


Bring me hope

by NotHanji



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Developing Relationship, F/M, Human Experimentation, Humor, I'll tag characters as they come, I'll tag more later - Freeform, Lots of Angst, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Past Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Revenge, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, female!hange, male!hange
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:48:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2084340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotHanji/pseuds/NotHanji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren is found half dead by Erwin, Levi and Hange one day and wakes up four month later traumatized, scared and confused. The three friend take him under their wings and make sure he gets in shape and function in society while trying to figure out what happened to him. But life is not easy when the endless torture Eren lived haunt him in his dreams and every bright light brings him violent flashbacks. Levi, who found himself attached to Eren from the beginning, will try his best to 'repair' a very broken Eren.</p>
<p>I may change the summary later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Please read these notes.  
> First of this is my very first fanfiction ever and I have a twisted dark soul so it won't be your happy fluffy fanfiction.  
> Also, I am not a native speaker so if you find awkward sentences, this is why. I would do my best to write in English though and hopefully help me progress too.  
> Now a few notes:  
> 1\. the stories change point of view. I will make sure to tell you at the beginning but the two main POV are Levi and Eren.  
> 2\. Please make sure that you are not triggered by the tags.  
> 3\. The ranking may or may not go up as I may become more graphic, or maybe not.  
> 4\. I can't write smut. So If you came for some you may be dissapointed.  
> Well, that's it I guess. I am not good with talking so I'll just let you read.

Darkness and coldness. That was all my life. I don’t remember when it began. I may have been born here. All I know is the darkness of the room I was in and the coldness of the tray under my back. Every day I was on that tray and every day they would poke my arm with thousands of needles. Every day I would cry, and every day those tears would be ignored. One day, I eventually stopped crying, stopped fighting and gave in. And they got tired of me. And they threw me, to the ground, bare and vulnerable: another dark and cold place in between buildings.

 

* * *

 

 

My whole body is numb. Am I even alive? Or did I die in that cold and dark place where they threw me away. I wouldn’t even be surprised. Wait, it’s actually quite warm and comfortable. This is not another tray. A coffin maybe? It is warm all around and it warms my heart. Am I feeling again? Does it even matter?

 

“Oh! He's moving. I think he's waking up!”

 

I can hear voices, but they are not the same as the voices I would hear daily in that place. This is not that place. Where am I?

 

“Move aside shitty glasses.”

 

I hear another voice and footsteps getting closer to me. I want to know who they are but on the same time I am afraid to know. Slowly, I try to open my heavy eyelids. It's hard, they're so heavy. Ugh, light… blinding light. Wait… light? Suddenly I open my eyes wide and trash around. I’m sacred. Scared. Ah, that feeling again. It has been a while I haven’t felt scared. Maybe the false sense of comfort earlier made me remember my emotions. They fooled me.

 

“Hey, calm down. Don’t move so much.” One of the previous voices tries to calm me, “we mean you no harm. And you’re going to hurt yourself if you move so much.”

 

Hurt? Oh I feel them. The needles on my arm. They fooled me. They fooled me good time. I don’t want the nightmare to continue again. Just let me be. Just let me die. Please. I can feel my warm tears fall on my cheeks as I keep my eyes shut because of the excess of light. I can also feel someone pinning my wrist against the comfortable tray below me to settle me down, not that it is too hard considering that I’m pretty weak. I let myself being pushed down, but my tears can’t stop falling and I can’t help but cry out loud. Please… just let me be. I don’t want any of that anymore. I was happy – was that happiness, the little ache in my heart? – when they finally got tired of me and threw me away. Yes it hurt, yes I was cold, but I was content. Why did they take me back?

 

“Shhh. Just calm down ok. Shhh.”

 

That voice again. Someone is still holding me down but now a hand is petting my head in an attempt to calm me. What is going on? They were never this kind with me before. Before, if I put on a fit like this, they would tie me down until I am too exhausted to move and carry on whatever they were trying to do then. Worst case scenario, they ask people to beat me up. I never know, I always close my eyes. The light is to bright. It’s blinding me.

 

“Do you think he fell asleep?” the voice who tries to calm me ask. Maybe to people in the room.

 

“Go call a doctor or something idiot! I am not even sure if I should be holding him down. I feel like I can crack his bones right now and trust me, I don't want that.” The voice right on top of him yells. Please don’t yell. It scares me even more. Please don’t beat me up.

 

“Mind you! I, my dear friend, am a doctor… in formation. But still a doctor.” The voice of the person who tries to calm me answers back, this time, pride could be felt in their voice. A doctor? What are they talking about? Doctor… Isn’t that…

 

“You two. Calm down. This is no time to argue like this. Hange, go find your mother please. We don’t want our little friend here to die of infection because of your negligence right. And Levi, I think he calmed down enough? You can let him go.” A third, composed voice, says.

 

Hange, the voice who tried to calm me, eagerly says a “yes, commander” before I hear quick footsteps going away from me. As for the pressure on top of me, it begins to fade slowly, almost cautiously. But even as my body is free, I can still feel a slight dip on my side, my cue that the person – Levi – is still here. Heavy footsteps walk toward me and I can hear something being moved before the third voice speaks again, this time closer to my head.

“Hello. My name is Erwin Smith. You can call me Erwin.” He begins. “Levi, is he still awake or did he fell back asleep.”

 

“I would say the brat is still awake considering the ugly hiccups that comes out of his mouth.” Levi answers with a leveled voice.

 

Hiccup. Oh yeah, I am still crying. Now silently, but I can’t help the tears. I keep my eyes shut. The light is too bright. I am scared to see. I don’t want to open my eyes and realize that I am still in that cold place. 

 

The two persons exchange more words. I stopped listening. I never listen anyways. It’s scary to know what they want to do with you. I tried to listen at random times and it scared me even more than the cold, the darkness and the syringe. Whatever their plan with me is now, I don’t want to know. I should maybe just go back to sleep and hopefully they will be done by the time I wake up, this time probably inside my familiar four walled cell. My tired body seems to agree with my idea and I slowly fall back asleep, my heart heavy and tired from all the crying and the false comfort shattered to pieces from before. What a twisted joke they put on me.

 

.

.

.

 

The next time I wake up, I am still on the comfortable tray and still warmly tucked. Either I slept until their next experiment, or I am not where I think I am. Again, I tentatively open my eyes and this time, the blinding light is not there anymore but everything is blurry. Slowly, I turn my head to explore where I am. Everything is white and it gives me a mini-panic attack, but I cannot see anyone so I calm back down. The absence of light means that they are just observing me hence no syringe. As I turn my head to the other side, my heart stops. There is someone, but they are asleep. I let a small whine come out of my throat. I am scared again. I don’t know this person and he doesn’t look like the people who surround me every day, but I am still scared. Where am I? What do they want from me? I am scared. I am scared. I am scared.

 

I shut my eyes closed and again, I feel my warm tears on my cheeks. I am so scared.

 

“Oi. Stop crying. You heard shitty glasses, we mean you no harm.” The man that was asleep on the chair next to me speaks and I can feel a warmth wiping my cheeks along with a small “gross.”

 

This situation is definitively different and I gather all my courage to open my eyes once again. My eyes meet with grey steel eyes before I can take in – as much as I can since everything is still so blurry – his entire figure. I can see that his hair is black, bangs parted on the side. His eyes look bored and his eyebrows are knitted giving him a severe look, but he doesn’t seem like a mean person. His arm… is extended toward me, and that’s when I realize that his index finger is now caressing my cheek to wipe out the endless flowing tears. I instinctively back up from it, fear governing my senses once more. The person just brings his arm back to him so he can cross them, his expression hasn’t changed.

 

“You’re lucky. Dr. Zoe said that beside a weaken body, you are perfectly fine. That's a miracle really, considering how messed up we found you in that alley. Hey can you hear me?”

 

I look at him and hesitantly nod.

 

“Good. I’m Levi. Can you speak or is that too hard for you yet?”

 

Levi. Black hair, bored facial expression, stern look and leveled authoritative voice. Levi. I weakly nod at him again to acknowledge his presence before my head wraps into his next question. Speak. Speech, using my voice to produce sounds as a mean for communication. As strange as it may sound, I understand words but I was never required to speak before. I only know how to cry and scream. Have I even been able to speak? I do not remember. But I think my voice is not good anymore as a communication device. Scared that Levi is going to get mad at me and hit me, I hide behind… oh this comfortable warm sheet on top of me. The situation may be foreign, but I still don’t know where I am and what they want from me. This may still me a cruel attempt at making me suffer later on.

 

“Hey. Why are you hiding? I told you, I am not going to hurt you. It’s okay if you can’t speak yet. You’ve been in a coma for four month and we’ve found you bruised, thin and naked in an alley. I understand.” Levi calms me with a slightly lighter tone. Is it safe to say that there is concern and care in that voice? “Come on. You’re okay.”

I can feel Levi’s trying to pry my comfortable warm sheet off my head and then pet my head. Once again, I instinctively back off but he gently reaches for me again to pet my head. No. Please. No. This is but a cruel joke. Please. Don’t show so much care. I look at his eyes, confused and scared, and I see concern and… pain? No. I can fall for this game. I can already feel a warm sensation in my heart. I am scared to feel this warmth. I don’t want to get hopeful, to feel like somebody cares. No.

 

“Hey, you’re shaking.”

 

Of course I am. I am scared. I am… I am… crying again. I can feel myself choke on my tears. But the hand on top of my head stays and continues on trying to calm me. I close my eyes. Please… don’t make this a joke. Please. Make this real. Please. Don’t fail me. Universe. Higher Power. Please. Can I let this warm feeling in? Please. Don’t make this just a dream. I am scared. I am warm. I am comfortable. I am good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a slow writer but I will do my best with this story. I back up my characters with a bunch of psychology stuff so once again, make sure you are not triggered. So far, it is only trauma but I may add more tags >


	2. Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV
> 
> "What the HELL am I doing?"  
> Levi is conflicted with his reactions.

Levi POV

 

A thin body, messy brown hair, beautiful green-amber eyes and a body full of bruises. That’s how we found this kid in an alley not far from our apartments. What he was doing there? We didn’t know but we decided to bring him to a hospital. We thought that maybe he got into a fight and got pretty messed up, but that didn’t explained the thin body. Where were his parents? Was he an orphan that ran away from a foster home? He was a little too young to be an adult. Maybe around 13? 15? No more. We were just supposed to bring him to the hospital and leave, but it turned out that this young boy was in a coma and that his bruises were the result of repeated injections. But the bruises were everywhere. Wherever this kid was from, they were abusing him and I can feel the anger bubbling in my chest thinking about what they may have done to him. It has been four month since we found the kid before he wakes up. Within those four months, we tried to find his identity but to no avail. Maybe we will have more chance with his name but he seems to not be able to speak, can he even understand me?

 

“Come on, you’re okay.” I whisper him as I pry his comforter away from his face. He flinches but it doesn’t surprise me. I am sure he thinks I am going to hit him or harm him in some sort.

 

Not knowing what to do, I decide to just pet his hair hoping that it will calm him. Of course, he tries to run away from my hand at first and I have to restrain myself from making hasty movement. As slowly as possible, I close the contact between my hand and his head again: success. I can feel a little party going on in my head as I pet his head. This is a huge step. I can get him to trust me if I show him that I care and that I won’t hurt him and physical contact can help in this step. I have no intention to hurt him, in fact, I want to protect this boy and find the fuckers that tortured him and left him with such psychological trauma. As I pet his head, I feel him shaking but he is not crying.

 

“Hey, you’re shaking.”

 

And he shakes even more violently, but this time with tears. Oh no, I made him cry. I just mentioned the obvious, why does he cry. I panic a little inside while trying to not show it in the outside. Showing that I panic may scare him more than anything as people tend to tense when they panic. But any tension can make him back up. I don’t want him to back up, I want him to trust me. Think fast Levi, think fast. It seems like my body thinks ahead of my brain because I feel myself inching closer to him, pick him up and wrapping my arms around the boy’s thin shoulders. He is so thin that I feel like hugging myself.

 

“Shhh. You’re okay.” I whisper while rocking him gently. “You are safe now. You can trust me.”

 

What the HELL am I doing? Hugging? Comforting? Oh irony. Ladies and Gentlemen, Levi is hugging someone to comfort them. No need for ovation. Hange would laugh at me if he could see this. But in the ‘heat’ of the moment, this is all I can think about. The little hiccups do not cease but the shaking did and he seems to calm down. To be honest, I don’t mind having him in my arms like this. I feel like I can protect him from the world like this. But this is too out of character for me and part of my personality is grossed out by all the affection. As I feel him calm in my arms, I pull him away only to discover that he fell asleep. I don’t blame him. He is obviously physically weak; the doctor said that it will take some time for him to be able to get back to his feet. And he must be emotionally weak too considering all the signs of abuse on his body. He needs a lot of sleep to recover from that.

 

I put him back on his bed and wrap him up, brushing his hair from his eyes.

 

“Who are you and what happened to you?” I whisper to him as I sit back on the bedside chair and observe his sleeping face: even in his sleep he looks tormented and it angers me. I let a sigh escape before standing back up and walking out: Dr. Zoe told me to call him if Eren wakes up again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Where you able to talk to him? What did he say? Did he remember what happened to him? Leviiiii~~!”

 

Levi massaged his temples as the messy-brown haired young men jumped around him asking him questions excitedly.

 

“Oh! I should have been there. I should have stayed. I knew I should have stayed. Did he tell you his name? What’s his name?”

 

“He didn’t talk crazy glasses, ok? I don’t think he has the energy to speak yet.” I answered with an annoyed sigh.

 

Hange has always been too energetic. Has he forgotten that the reason why he went home was because he had a test earlier today? Too much noise. Why am I friend with him again? Oh yeah, because he agrees to talk to me.

 

“Hange! I told you many times already to calm down at the hospital.” Dr. Zoe called him.

 

Dr. Zoe is Hange’s mother (Hange Zoe duh!) and also the founder of the ‘Zoe means Life Hospital’. Only the Zoe family would come up with such a name for a hospital! Hange smiles at his mother and apologizes before asking her about Eren.

 

“It’s a miracle that this boy is alive really.” Dr. Zoe shook her head. “I would have to run a few more tests to make sure he doesn’t have any pathology but I am afraid it’s going to be hard to do. He doesn’t react well with syringe, but I guess that is expected.”

 

Uh oh. That’s not good. I look at Hange who gives me back the same anxious expression. We both know how important those tests are for the boy. It can be a matter of life and death.

 

Dr. Zoe sign again: “I guess you figured out that he has a heavy psychological trauma Levi. You’re the own who spent the most time with him while awake. Did he do or say anything when he woke up last night?”

 

“I know he flinches when you try to touch him. But that’s all.”

 

“You touched him?” Hange squeaked.

 

I just look at him with threatening eyes but I don’t want to offer him an answer. Yes I touched him: I petted his head and I h- ugh… h-… you know what. I don’t want to remember it. I just had to make physical contact to calm him down and assure him that he was safe. That is all. And Hange knows this!! He is just trying to make my life harder than it already is. I shake my head in disapproval and grab my coat, ready to go back home for some sleep before coming back later to watch over the young boy again. As long as I can sleep before coming back to the hospital, I am fine during the day.

 

“Bye Levi. Sleep well.” Hange wishes me as I leave the hospital. He is now in charge of looking over the boy.

 

The three of us – Erwin, Hange and I – just can’t leave him alone, I guess you can say we got attached to him pretty quickly and for each his own reason. Hange is really interested in what happened to the boy and has been looking day and night for a hint on the boy’s identity. Erwin is just curious about the boy but also wants to protect the innocent like the nice guy he is – and his manipulative smile, ugh, may he be damned. And I, this boy remind me too much of myself when I was younger: weak, beaten up, abused and left alone to die. I survived but not without help. I want to give back what life gave me: a second chance. I want to be this boy’s second chance at life and I will do my best to guarantee his happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your comments. I fuelled me up and made me so happy *squee*  
> So it is going really slow, I literally took my sweet time developing what is going through our Captain's little mind. But anyways. Hope you liked the chapter. I love your comments guys :) really. It's worth gold and I didn't realize it until I had them gyaaah.  
> Don't get too used to fast updates. I am just very free and inspired right now.


	3. Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi POV
> 
> Levi and Hanji are trying to come up with a name for Eren.  
> "Nobody is calling ‘Carl’ Siegfried."

Levi POV

“So… did he wake up while I was gone?”

That is my first question to Hange upon entering the room of the young boy. We really need to figure out his name because referring to him as “he” and “him” without a name is really… annoying. I feel like he is not human, like he is something and not someone and I don’t like that. Maybe I should refer to him as “Carl” in the meantime. Wait… “Carl”? Seriously Levi? I really watched too much ‘The Walking Dead.’ Oh wait, Hange is moving his lips. Oh right, I asked him a question, he must be answering it.

“… but other than that, nothing.” He finishes.

“Wait what?” I ask dumbfound.

Hange just squints then laughs very loudly waking ‘Carl’ up. The poor boy literally jumps in the bed then looks at us with fear in his eyes. He kind of reminds me of a scared cat. I shush Hange and come near the bed. ‘Carl’ goes as far from me as there is bed available to retreat to so I settle for sitting on the bedside chair again looking at him in the eyes so he can get comfortable. I read somewhere that the eyes are the windows of the soul, and I want him to read in my eyes that I just want him to feel better so he can lower his guards. Of course it is hard for me to hold his gaze as his eyes dances around the room. 

“Hey. Sorry for waking you up. Shitty glasses just doesn’t know how to be silent. But he is not a bad person.” I try to keep my voice calm so he doesn’t get startle again. “Do you feel any better today?”

‘Carl’ finally looks up at me, but just for a second as his eyes goes down to his comforter. He slowly and hesitantly sits back on the head of the bed and I adjust his pillow so it supports his back. Then his hands smooth out the comforter. He seems to really like the comforter, maybe because it is warm. 

“Hello hello Siegfried. Did you enjoy your little nap?” Hange greets ‘Carl’ with a chipper voice. Does Hange not understand that his overexcited voice scares the young boy? Look at poor ‘Carl’, he flinches again. 

“Siegfried? What the hell is Siegfried?”

“That’s his name. He looks like a Siegfried.” Hange proudly answers like it is a smart answer.

“Your ass looks like a Siegfried. Nobody is calling ‘Carl’ Siegfried.” I say with annoyance in my voice.

“’Carl’? Really Levi? ‘Carl’? Like the ‘Carl’ in ‘The Walking Dead’ or the llama? I think Siegfried is better.” Hange says with obvious amusement in his voice. I just shake my head; there cannot be a winner here: we need to know his real name before the name ‘Carl’ or ‘Siegfried’ sticks. 

I put my attention back to the young boy who is now looking at us with certain curiosity. Well at least he is no longer scared and shows some interest to his surroundings. Baby steps right. I look at him and I feel the sides of my mouth itch to form a smile but other than that, my facial expression is as stoic as ever. 

“Oooooh Levi. You look so kindly at Siegfried. What, have you fallen for him?” Hange teases. 

Only Hange and Erwin can see my emotions so clearly through this stoned face. I sigh and shoo him out of the room. Fallen for him? No. I just am interested in his security and I want his trust. Why you ask me? Well… Isn’t it obvious? If I want to protect him efficiently, he has to trust his life to me. It’s as simple as that. 

As I come back in the room, I look at him on his bed as he once again smooth the comforter like to take in their smoothness. 

“You really love that comforter don’t you?” I ask raising an eyebrow.

He just looks in my direction slightly confused and tilts his head. Does he not understand? Strange, he seemed to understand English pretty fine up until now, so I try again. 

“That,” I say again as I point at the comforter with my chin, “You like it, don’t you.” 

He looks down at the comforter and looks up at me, his face slightly lighting up as he says “Ja” to me and nods.

I open my eyes wide; those are his first words, at least to me. I can feel the little hooray party going on in my mind again as I inch closer to the bed and pet his head. 

“So you can speak.”

As usual he flinches as I raised my hand but didn’t move away. There is progress. I feel him nod under my hand. ‘Ja’… isn’t that German for ‘yes’? Does he speak German? But… he understands English. What is happening here? Actually never mind that. Whatever. He speaks and I should ask a more important question right now. 

“What’s your name? Do you remember mine?”

He nods and points at me with a hesitant finger. 

“L…” he begins then pulls up a face. Has he forgotten? I don’t really mind, but he seems to struggle to say my name. 

“Don’t hurt yourself kid.” 

He shakes his head and tries again. “L…e….v….i….” he manages to say then nods at the end. He then looks back at me with expectant eyes, like if he is waiting for either praise or a scolding. 

“Yeah. Good Job. That’s my name. What is yours? You still haven’t told me yours.”

He looks at me with sparkle in his eyes and I can tell he wants to smile but his lips muscle seem to not cooperate. He really reacts like a little kid that is still waiting for approval from elders to do something: a sign of lateness in the development stages. Has he been withdrawn from society for a long time?

He points at himself and manages to say: “I…ch…. E….r….n….” He shakes head and inhales again. “E…en…” After what he lowers his head, visibly disappointed. Yeah… “ich”? That was definitely German. Is this kid German or something? Shit shit shit, I don’t know a word of German. But then again, he understands me perfectly. What the fuck is going on here? Why does this kid understands English but speaks German? I need to call Hange. No Dr. Zoe to look at this. 

“Er..en.”

“Huh?” I look back at the boy. Have I zoned out. 

He points at himself and nods, his eyes brightening up again. So ‘Carl’’s name is ‘Eren’. Yeah, Eren fits him. 

“Well Eren. Nice to meet you.” I ruffle his hair and think that I should say this new information to Hange. 

A name. A name can help more than a portrait made from a computer. Eren. If only we could get a last name but Eren is not a common name around here. Aaron maybe, but Eren no. We should be able to find where he is from and whether he has family or not. Or even better: what happened to him. 

Eren looked up at me and offers me his awkward mouth twitch that I consider as a smile. Hopefully his muscles are going to obey him soon so I can enjoy seeing an actual smile on his face but for now, this is more than enough. If he tries to smile at me, it means that he is comfortable with me. Good. That’s another step. I told you: Baby steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Hanji have some weird name for Eren. Thank heavens he is now able to express himself. And what's this? He speaks German? I don't speak German so don't worry too much about German word vomit (not gonna happen). Again, thank you so much for your comments. They are my fuel and keep me motivated.


	4. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren begins to show sign of low self-esteem and is scared of Dr. Zoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For this chapter, just see Dr. Zoe as a female Hange (Hanji?) slightly older than the canon one. Her and her son are like twins.

Eren POV

 

 

Levi and Hange, two people that have been on my side since I awoke and seem to not mean harm to me or at least, they haven’t try anything yet. I really want to trust them. They seem trustworthy. Hange looks like a very fun person but his sudden excitement always startles me and I can’t help but be on my guard when he becomes loud. Levi looks always bored and stern but I can tell that he is very kind. He tried to calm me from shaking the other night and seem to always show concern.

 

Those two people make me feel safe.

 

Safety. What a foreign concept. I’ve never felt safe. This warm feeling inside of me, the feeling that everything will be okay is so foreign to me but I welcome it. Yes, that must be what they call safety.

 

_‘Eren, please stay safe’_

Eren. That’s my name. Oh, I almost forgot. It’s been a long time since someone called my name. Eren. Someone used to call my name with a loving voice but it seems so distant, like if it was not from this lifetime. I can barely remember. Oh well, it must not be that important right.

 

I slowly slide back down so my head hits the pillow and Levi, who is seating on the chair beside my bed, adjusts my pillow again so it is comfortably nursing my head. I smile at him… maybe a really stiff smile but the intention is there. Hopefully it would be enough. I don’t want him to scold me or hate me. Someone used to tell me to thank people who help us or take care of us. I should say something. I open my mouth and try.

 

“D….k”

 

Oh failure. I failed, again. Just like with my name. I failed to tell him my name at first. Why am I such a failure?

 

_‘He is a failure’_

Who said that again? Whoever that is they are right. I turn my back to Levi as I try to remember: what else did they tell me again?

 

_‘….failure…..’ ‘….disappointment….’ ‘…..put so much in you….’ ‘…..throw him….’ ‘…. Good for nothing….’_

My memories are chopped to bits and pieces but I can recall people calling me those names. What have I done again? Maybe I am failure just for being alive? Or maybe whatever I was trying to do disappointed them just as much as I am disappointing Levi right now for being ungrateful. Sorry for being ungrateful. Please don’t hit me. I’ll try again.

 

“D..nke…”

 

Failed again.

 

“Are you trying to thank me?” Levi asks tentatively.

 

I nod, my back still at him. Oh! I was able to convey the feeling. I feel warm again in my heart: happiness maybe? I cannot be sure. All those warm feelings I feel now are foreign to me. I need to label them but I am afraid to label them wrongly.

 

“I don’t know a lot of German, but I remember that ‘Danke’ is thanks. That’s what you tried to say, right Eren.”

 

I nod again. I understand English, but I can’t speak it. Nobody ever taught me so I think my mouth never combined the sounds with the appropriate muscle movement. I grew up around German though. That’s as far as I can remember. Does that mean I was not born in that cold dark place? Now that I think about it… I can recall sunlight and flowers and that warm voice calling my name so lovingly.

 

“You tired Eren?”

 

I nod again, now a yawn following my action. I like the way he says my name. I feel… human again. How did they use to call me again? Ah! “Number 52.” That was my name for oh so many years. I even had two nicknames: 52 and Alpha. I always felt a little bit special since it seemed like the others only had numbers. Funny how it works right? It is not my name and I was considered some kind of animal or toy or whatever, but just because I had nicknames, I felt special. But I feel even more special when I am called with my name.

 

_‘Eren’_

So warm and full of love. A voice that sounds like sunshine and sunflower. I begin to fell asleep as I envision the scenes that the voice brings with it… Green grass, warm sun on my skin, white dress with flower pattern, warm voices and loving hugs, joy, happiness, lightness… Mother…

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next time I wake up, Levi looks up at me from his book. Oh a book! It’s been a while I didn’t see one of those. I wonder what stories this one holds.

 

“Eren.” He calls me. “I need to go tell Dr. Zoe that’s you’re awake ok. I’ll be back.”

 

I nod at him still in daze from my sleep until he closes the door behind him and I realize that I am alone in this cold room: fear envelops me again. Please don’t leave me. Come back. Someone. Hange? Levi? Please. Don’t give me up. It’s scary all alone. I bury my head in my pillow and wait a few minutes in silence, praying the universe to not leave me alone again. I know he said he’ll be back but what if he doesn’t? What if it was a lure so I would expect for him to be back? Wait, is this the moment I wake up and realize that all this warmth and security is fake? That all was but a joke? It was a long nice dream but I guess I cannot have good things. I don’t deserve good things.

 

As I drown myself in self-loathing, I feel a finger tap against my shoulder. Too afraid to see another of those people wearing white coats I do not move. But now the tapping is accompanied by a familiar voice.

 

“Eren… Eren… Are you okay? You hurt somewhere?”

 

Levi. I am still dreaming. I feel a sigh leave me and raise my head to look at him and shake my head and then I see it: the white coat. Someone wearing a white coat is behind Levi. Oh no! The dream turned into a nightmare. UNIVERSE! What have I done to deserve such cruelty?! I jump backward to put as much distance between me and the white coated person as I can and I try to get out from the bed – I learned from Hange that the tray I was on is called a bed – but as soon as my feet make contact with the floor, I collapse. I can hear Levi’s calling name in panic and his footsteps approaching me quickly. No Levi. Run away. Run away from the white coated person. I want to tell him to run but all I can do is cry. I forgot how to speak again. I haven’t spoken in so long that the muscles of my mouth are rebelling against me. Run Levi. But Levi seems to not understand the message as he wraps his arms around me to protect me from the white coated person.

 

“You are okay Eren. Dr. Zoe. What’s happening?” he says as he rocks me.

 

I can feel myself calm down but the threat is still near and I cannot stand, I cannot run, I cannot scream… all I can do is uselessly cry and hope that Levi gets the message. I am so useless. I am so… disappointing. Tired, I give up and bury my tear drenched face on Levi’s shoulder not knowing what to do. The white coated person is getting near Levi and now sitting next to us of their heels.

 

“I don’t know Levi. He was so calm with you and Hange. But he is always panicky around me. I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t like me much.” The person in coat says.

 

Please don’t hurt us. I pray that as a mantra in my head as I clutch my eyes shut hoping that the next time I open them up, the white coated person will not be there anymore.

 

“Bullshit. There is not a single patient that doesn’t like you. It has to be something related to what happened to him.” I hear Levi say and along with that his fingers massage my scalp.

 

I have to admit, it is relaxing but I can still sense the fear close to us. Maybe if I keep on closing my eyes, they won’t see me just as I don’t see them. It makes monster disappear right.

 

“Eren. It’s ok. Nothing is going to harm you; she is not going to harm you. She is just going to make sure you are ok. Her name is Dr. Zoe and she is here to make sure you are healthy, not to harm you. She is Hange’s mom. You can trust her Eren.”

 

Hange’s mom? A doctor? Doctor….I can trust a doctor. I slowly open my eyes to see the doctor right in front of me with a smile similar to Hange’s on her face. She does look harmless but the coat throws me off. I weakly nod my head: I’ll trust this doctor. Levi said they won’t hurt me. I can trust Levi right. I feel Levi’s hand rub my back.

 

“I’m proud of you Eren. Battling your fears like that. You are very courageous.” He cheers. He then carried me up to the bed in a sitting position and tucks the comforter comfortably around my legs.

 

The doctor walks up to my bed and I shake slightly. I am still not sure about this but Levi said that he was proud of me for battling my fear of person in a white coat so I will keep on doing just that. The doctor keeps on smiling at me as they present themselves.

 

“Hello… Eren was it. My name is Dr. Zoe and I run this hospital. I am sorry for startling you earlier. I really don’t mean you any harm. I just want to make sure that you are going toward healing, that’s all. I am as harmless as a baby bunny. If there’s anything that I can do to make you feel more comfortable just tell me. No really boy, don’t hesitate.”

 

She must indeed be Hange’s mother: I can recognize the speech pattern and her messy brown hair reminds me of her son. Dr. Zoe holds out her hand and I do my best to fight running away again but taking that hand is too much to ask. I settle on nodding. The doctor doesn’t look offended as they retreat their hands back into their pocket.

 

“Ok. I need to look at your eyes, take your temperature, and take some blood so I can run a few blood tests. Is that okay?” She asks me but I do not understand what she is asking me.

 

Looking at my eyes? Ok. Taking my temperature? How? Taking my blood for blood test? What? I look at her confused and she offers me an apologetic smile back then asks Levi to stay close to me during the ‘consultation.’ The doctor leaves the room momentarily and comes back with a small tray full of medical utensils. She turns to Levi and asks him, again, to stay close. I don’t mind, actually, that’s better. As much as I want to trust the doctor, she still scares me a little and I feel better knowing that Levi is close by. The doctor comes closer to me and leans forward. She tells me to open my eyes and with her fingers make sure they stay open as she reaches inside her pocket. I do not realize what she has in her hand until a bright light blinds me. Light, blinding light. I can feel my body tense as I remember the endless experiments they used to do to me under that bright blinding light. I guess the tension in my body was visible because I can feel Levi’s hand rubbing my back in a calming manner. I do not realize that he had been sitting next to me until the doctor turns the light off.

 

“I see that you are scared of bright lights.” She says while scribing something on a piece of paper. “Put this under your tongue will you?” She continues, handing me a strange device.

 

How am I supposed to put this in my mouth? Is it medicine or drug? I look at the doctor confused then turn to Levi. He stares at me for a while then wraps his hands around the hand that holds the device to take it from me.

 

“Here, let me show you.” Levi turns the device around and brings it closer to my mouth. I look at it before separating my lips and let it rest under my tongue.

 

“Is it the first time you see a thermometer?” he asks me and I nod. What did he call it? A ther… ter? A therter?

 

“It’s called a thermometer.” He repeats as if he knew what I was thinking about. Amazing. Can Levi read minds? I should be more careful about what I think about. I think this is the second time he guessed what I was thinking or trying to say. No, don’t read my mind. I am not saying bad stuff about you Levi. I need to keep my mind in check. As I try to empty my mind, a little ‘bip’ comes out the therter –sorry, thermoter – and the doctor carefully takes it out of my mouth.

 

“Your temperature is normal. That’s good. Ok, this is the last one. I need some blood sample. Levi, could you please hold him down?”

 

Hold me down? Why? I pale as the answer to my question appears: they need to poke my arm with a needle. I don’t like needles. They used to poke me with needles every day and everywhere in my body and it hurts. They will inject a strange liquid inside my body and I will feel all weak and nauseous. I don’t like needles. I am about to run away from the room again when I feel Levi rubbing my back again and hold my body still with his other arm, not that it is too hard considering how weak I am. He gives me an empathetic look and assures me that everything is alright. I brace myself and take deep breathes but still fail at calming. The doctor picks my arm up and brings the needle closer. I instinctively try to kick her but she dodges it.

 

“You are so energetic. That’s good.” She smiled at me.

 

Yes, she is definitely Hange’s mom. I turn my head the other way and force my eyes shut, unable to face the needle breaking into my skin. I can feel it poke my arm and I let a whimper out. I try to focus all my attention on Levi’s hand on my back and at the field of Sunflower and the flowery dress that the voice that calls my name in a very loving manner inspires me, the warm sun on my face and the sense of peace around the whole scene.

 

“And we’re done. Good job Eren. You were very courageous.” I feel her ruffle my hair and quickly turn my head back to look at my arm. There is now a bandage where the needle poked me. Good, I didn’t want to see the bruise anyway.

 

“Now we’re set. It was not that horrible right?”

 

The doctor playfully pinches my cheek and offers me a bright smile. Yes, it was not that bad. I offer her a smile – my very stiff smile – and nod. Once again, I do my best to thank her and almost succeed, if “D..nke” helps you figure out that I wanted to say “Danke.” She seems to get it as her face bright up even more. She is very pretty. Levi was right, she meant no harm. I am not so scared of her anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed: Dr. Zoe speaks to him like she would to a child and not a 15 year old boy but Eren is fine with it. It was intentional. Remember when Levi said that he was in an earlier stage of development? Eren still had the mentality of a child. Anyway, I just wanted for you guys to know that. 
> 
> As usual, thank you for reading and for your comments. If you guys have any question related to this fic hit me up on Tumblr: ginnoryuu308.tumblr.com  
> I just created it so it's full of nothing lol.


	5. A place to stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all
> 
> “On other news” I say to distract him a bit. “You heard Dr. Zoe right? You’re being released next week. Shitty Glasses, Eyebrows and I were talking about it too and we decided to let you stay with us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-edited the tags at little. Don't mind me.

Levi’s POV

 

It’s been a month since we found Eren and I have to admit: I’m impressed by how quick the boy got to his feet. First of all, he is making great progress in speech therapy and I am not sure if it’s a good thing or not because now his mouth won’t stop whenever he sees me. He would speak in English but with a very thick German accent. When I asked Hange about his case she told me that Eren must have grew up in a German environment – so either in Germany or his parents would speak German to him at home – therefore he could only speak German.

“But how come he understands English?”

“This is just a theory but maybe the people who did this to him spoke English so he was forced to understand. A child can learn languages faster than adults. Never underestimate a kids’ ability to learn. They're smarter than us since they are not limited by human conditioning yet" he said excitedly.

But despite his quick recovery, he still is pretty broken. For instance, the brat still panics every time Dr. Zoe enters his room, there are still moments when the light above his head gives him a mini-panic attack and, from what I’ve heard from the nurses, he is subject to night terrors. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that he doesn’t remember any of his night terror… but they do have a toll on him, at least physically. I also think he doesn’t feel very secure unless either Hange, me or Erwin are in the room. It ended up being a routine that one of us has to be there during check ups so he doesn’t try to run away from his bed like the other time.

He also goes through rehabilitation so he is somewhat able to use his legs but they are still weak so whenever he panics and try to run, he ends up falling, which panics him even more, and he ends up a crying mess on the floor. And guess who has to pick up the pieces? Fucking me. Ugh! I had physical contact ok, I am kind of anti-social all right? And I don’t have a clue how to recomfort someone. Rubbing his back and hugging him after he woke up were already pulling my strings a little too much: no more of that. Now, give place to the “get over it brat” and the “calm down I’m here” while awkwardly crouching next to him and maybe - maybe - petting his head. But THAT’S ALL. No more of that touchy-feely gross thingy anymore sorry ladies and gents. That is not Levi.

Erwin used to tease me about that while Hange just plainly laughed out loud at the way I try to comfort Eren. Well, fuck them ok. I don’t give a fuck if I’m as cold as the Antartica with my methods. I am trying at least, isn’t there bonus point for trying?

Self-loathing about failed attempts at calming the shitty brat aside, Dr. Zoe began to voice her interest in releasing Eren and that is it’s problem on it’s own: where is he going to go? As far as we are concerned, all we know about him is his name Eren and that he fucking speaks German. We don’t know his last name - we asked, he doesn’t remember - nor does he remember anything about himself. It’s as if Eren just dropped from somewhere in that alley and that somewhere was not a pleasant place.

“Let’s just bring him to our apartment”

“huh?” I blinked once, twice, then turned my head to the messy haired brunet that is Hange Zoe. The latter looks back at me nodding frantically. Have I heard that correctly? Eyebrows is actually the one proposing it?

“Are you drunk?” Is my first answer to that. Bring him to our apartment? It’s not that easy blondie, there are a few things that we need to consider here. “Where is he going to sleep?”

Erwin furrowed his eyebrows and went into deep thought mode but I wasn’t about to wait for him. “Hange’s room is a fucking war field. I think Eren will die of some radioactive chemical or whatever in his room. And you.” I said while pointing at the blonde. “You have a girlfriend who practically lives in her room. Make her pay rent already that’ll help the three of us, or at least utilities considering the amount of water she uses after your little sexy times.”

“That leaves your room then, Levi!” Hange says as he wounds his arm around my shoulder almost knocking me over.

“No shit head. My room is also off limits. I don’t know if you didn’t realize over these past 4 years of living together but I fucking like my space and there is no way in heaven or hell a crying messy brat is going to take my haven from me.” I had to breathe at the end of that sentence because that was one ass long speech to say without taking a breathe.

“Oh, don’t be such a drama queen Levi. He will just sleep in your room. Just chase him from there during your study time and fap time.” Hange retorted with a huge grin on his shitty face. I had to punch him in the face for that and the fucker still laughed out loud while nursing his nose.

“Go take care of your bloody nose and shut the hell up glasses.” I chide him as he runs toward the bathroom, still laughing like an idiot.

With Hange gone, I am left standing in the middle of … oh yeah, the fucking campus court with Erwin. We have to wait for Hange anyway since he is our ride. Note to self: buy a fucking car. Note on that note: get a fucking job and save to afford the fucking car.

“Give it some thought Levi. The boy has nowhere else to go.” Erwin’s voice brought me to reality and I look over his tall figure. He looks at me with a soft smile and a certain amusement in his eyes. “If I have to be honest with you: I think you have a certain attachment to the boy anyway.” And before I could react to that, he continued. “You’re always asking both Hange and I if something happened while you were gone. And you always make it a point to see him whenever you have free time. If I may say so, I would guess it is because, in a sense… he reminds you of yourself when you were younger.”

I twitch but don’t say anything. I just keep on looking at those calculating blue eyes. Erwin always knows what to say, Erwin always knows how to bring people to making things they don’t want to do. But Erwin is also a big advocate for justice and will always stand up for the unfortunate ones. Erwin convinced me to come to college and get a degree. Erwin is the reason why I am graduating soon with a bachelor in hand. Erwin is the reason I am going to graduate school for a master the fall after graduation. Erwin is the reason I found a dream when it seemed like my life was going nowhere. And today, Erwin convinced to take care of Eren so he can have a second chance at life. Today, Erwin just convinced me to be the light in that boy’s life just like he was the light in mine. I hate Erwin. I just hate him so much. But I know that come the morning, I would be okay with him again. Ugh! I fucking hate him so much for that.

 

* * *

 

 

“And tomorrow you’ll be released Eren.” Dr. Zoe announced him after yet another check up. The boy looks over her with tired eyes but smiles nonetheless.

“Thank you Dr. Zoe.” He says and she gives him a smile back before getting out of the room. As soon as the door closes, he lets out a sigh like if he’d been keeping his breathe.

“Still scared of Dr. Zoe?” I ask him after a few moments of silence. He just nods but doesn’t look at me, his arms protectively wounded around his form. “You look tired brat. Not enough sleep last night?” I may sound desperate for a conversation but I really am not. I actually enjoy silence and usually he is the one making the talk and beaming at me about a new word that he’d learn from the speech path. Well, I guess you can tell I’m a bit suspicious of his silence, or maybe even worried.

“... Nightmare …” He answers quietly. Oh how cruel. He usually has dreamless sleep, sometimes night terrors but he never remembers them - but the next morning he usually looks like shit… a little like now so I thought that he had night terror - but no, the only night he has a dream: it’s a fucking nightmare.

“Do you… ugh… wanna talk about it?” He has his head down and his shoulder slumped. He looks so defeated and I would have hugged him if the sole idea of doing so didn’t made me cringe. Lately my self-control has been more than great. He nods and shifts his eyes at me but doesn’t move.

“I was in a dark place. Like where they kept me. I was screaming, crying and begging for them to let me go… but they couldn’t hear me. My voice, it didn’t go out. I couldn’t hear my voice. I don’t know what they were doing but I felt pain.” He slowly runs his left hand over his right arm before once again wrapping both his arms on himself, he also lifts his knees close to his chest: a defense mechanism of the body when you feel threatened. “Pain… all over my body. And I told them to stop-” A choked sob escaped his throat and I can see his eyes glistening with tears but I also can tell he tries his best to keep them in. “but… my voice… it won’t…” He rests his head on his knees as he tries to compose himself but I can see that he is crying.

I let out a long sigh and pull out my book so I can study for a big test coming up in my psych class, but the sobs coming for the brat are distracting and as much as I like my space and all, I do have a heart - surprise right. - I let out another sigh before standing from my seat so I can seat on the bed and run my hand in his hair.

“A dream is a dream brat. You can talk right. You can hear yourself. I can hear you just fine. OK.”

I’m an asshole!

“On other news” I say to distract him a bit. “You heard Dr. Zoe right? You’re being released next week. Shitty Glasses, Eyebrows and I were talking about it too and we decided to let you stay with us.”

Eren raises his head slightly at this and looks at me with shimmering tear filled green-blue - whatever color his eyes are - eyes. “Really?” he says between sobs.

“Yeah. Seems like you can’t easily get rid of us brat. I’m so sorry for you and your mental health. I am not liable for whatever horrors you’re gonna see living with us.” I tell him and I am serious. Have you stopped and thought about it? If you haven’t then you should. Shitty glasses is a mad scientist. You can hear explosions in his room and I am sure he has carnivorous plants in his room. He also conducts countless experiments on live animal and got into trouble with animal protection services more than once… and with Erwin too. Oh and don’t ask him about what he’s doing most of the time if you value a good night of sleep. On the other hand, Erwin or mister perfect will preach you about politics and justice and what is wrong with the world until your ears bleed. But wait! If you think about getting rid of him with a “then think about a solution for it,” you’ve digged your grave because he had and will keep you all night for it. And then there’s me, asshole Levi. I won’t talk to you, no, I will give you the silence treatment most of the time. Didn’t do the dishes or didn’t clean after yourself? Expect to have a hearfull of how shitty of a person you are and how you should always ALWAYS clean after yourself unless you’re dirty animal. Oh and we have such a thing as cleaning day and it’s twice a month and I am the director of that and you may or may not end up cleaning the same room thirteen times and I still won’t be happy with it.

See? It is hell! How we manage to leave together is beyond me. Call it friendship if you want, I call it a fucking miracle.

“So… beginning tomorrow I will leave with you and Hange and Erwin?” he asks hesitantly but at least his tears stopped - but fuck, he needs to wipe his nose. Gross. - I nod at him and he offers me a smile. “YEAH! I can’t wait! I’m so happy.” He says as he grabs both my hands and squeezes them with his weak ones.

“Don’t get too excited brat, it may not be as great as what you think.” I say as I flick my finger in his forehead. He pouts at me as he rubs his forehead and begins an argument with me toggling between English and German whenever he doesn’t know how to say something in English.

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, I am getting out of his room carefully closing the door as he fell asleep. As I replay back his excitement I can feel a smile stretching my lips. It may not be as bad to have a shitty brat at the apartment if he is that shitty brat. Erwin was right: I am kind of attached to him and maybe a little bit protective toward him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!!! I know I took forever to update and that's because I totally didn't know what to write about. I wrote this chapter so many times and deleted it so many times. Ugh! But yeah. Hopefully you like this new chapter.


	6. A new life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Welcome welcome to our humble domain young Eren!!!”

Levi POV

 

“Are you excited?”

 

“Ja, Ich bin so aufgeregt!!!” Eren answered eagerly. I had to give him a quizzical look for him to realize that he just talked to me in German and repeat himself with that German accent: “Sorry, yes I am so excited.” 

 

I could see him fidget in the back of my car from the rear view mirror, a smile plastered to his face. It is strange to see the boy so happy and excited right now considering that he almost cried earlier during check out. Eren never really walked around the hospital while he was in and the sight of all the doctor and nurses and people shocked him slightly. He was hanging on Hange’s arm like a fycking monkey on a tree, tears glistening in his eyes. It didn’t help that Dr. Zoe appeared in front of us out of nowhere, I really thought Eren pissed his pants at that point as he yelped and hid behind shit glasses. 

 

“I am also very excited Eren!! I can’t wait to show you my room and my guinea pigs. They are so cute, and huge. Do you like animals Eren? Oh, can you read? Maybe I can teach you how to read? Can you read Eren? What do you like to read Eren?” Hange asked him all at once. 

 

I just sucked at my teeth and gave him a warning glare from the driver seat before focusing back on the road. Hange has this bad habit of asking all the questions at once not giving you time to answer and change subject before you can. Knowing that Eren still has to think before being able to speak, we all needed to talk slowly to him but Hange seemed to not give a shit about it.

 

“Guinea pigs?” I heard Eren ask. Hange literally jumped in his seat and reached for his phone so he can show Eren the pictures of his guinea pigs. 

 

“Look, the black on with the white spot on the back is Sawney and the cream colored one is Bean. Aren’t they cute?” He explained eagerly. Hange really loved his guinea pigs and I could never understand how someone can talk about how a guinea pig spend its day for at least 2 hours. It was a fucking mystery to me. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


“Welcome welcome to our humble domain young Eren!!!” Hange chimed as we entered the door of our apartment. 

 

Our shared apartment was not very big but not small either. If you’d ask me, I’d say that it was big enough for 3 male college students. There was an open kitchen and a good size living room that could host a party of few people -- not that we party a lot, nor have friends to invite either. In front of the main door there is a hallway that leads to our rooms and Hange and I’s shared bathroom. Erwin’s room was the biggest and had its own bathroom inside. Now, why didn’t I take that room you ask? Well, because we agreed that whoever takes that room pays in rent and I personally don’t have that much money. Plus fucking eyebrows had a girlfriend and, I don’t know about you, but there’s no way I want to see a butt naked Erwin or his girlfriend walking to the bathroom after sex by accident. Nope. Fucking awkward. Don’t want to deal with that. I’d rather share with glasses if it means no awkwardness. 

 

Eren looked around with curious eyes, making his way into the kitchen, opening the fridge and the drawers while humming to himself. Then he came back to the living room and looked at the shelves. In the meantime, Hange proceeded to lock himself in his room momentarily before coming back with his guinea pigs presenting them to the brunet, whose eyes instantly light up. I offered him a drink as the two men sat down on the black three people couch in front of the coffee table and pet the guinea pigs. They were still cooing and giggling like teenage girls over Sawney and Bean when Erwin came back home from his internship. I greeted him from the couch I was sitting on before focusing my attention back to my book. 

 

“Eren, you’re here.” Erwin began as his ice-blue eyes settled on the brunet. “How do you like our apartment? It is now your home so if anything bothers you, feel free to voice it out and we’ll accommodate it to your taste.”

 

Eren finally snapped his attention back to the real world. “It’s… a really nice house…” he said shyly as he twisted his fingers in his lap.  Cute.

 

“Have Levi talked to you about where you’re going to sleep yet?” Erwin continued and Eren shook his head. 

 

“Well, if shitty glasses over there didn’t fucking bring his smelly rodents to show Eren for half of the day, I could have explained a few more things.” I sighed snapping my eyes back at the two men on the couch. 

 

“Smelly? Sawney and Bean are not smelly! Right Sawney, Bean?” Hange said as he walked back in his room to put them away.

 

I shook my head and looked back at Eren. “Follow me.” Is all I say then proceed to my room. 

 

I open the door and point at the bed in the middle of the room. 

 

“From now on, this is your room. That’s now your bed. I just changed the sheets this morning. I also have a few clothes that we bought you in the closet next to mine but we need to go shopping sometime to buy more.” I say with a deadpan voice and give space for Eren to explore the room. 

 

He looked around -- and like this morning -- he opened the closet to check its content out then closed it, he went to the single desk in the room and looked around it while nodding. He then turned back to me. 

 

“This is your room right. Where are you going to sleep?”

 

I stared at him for a while before walking toward the bed and pulling a flatable bed from under it. Yes, Erwin and Hange not only convinced me to share my room with Eren but also to give him my bed. Since we don’t know for how long Eren was going to stay with us, I settled on just buying a flatable bed but the idea of sleeping so close to the floor didn’t attract me a bit. 

 

Eren walked around the bed and looked at the flatable one then nodded again. He seems to doing that a lot. I sighed then left my room hearing him walking behind me. I quietly put my shoes back on and grabbed my keys. 

 

“Put your shoes on brat, it’s getting late and you haven’t eaten yet.”

 

Eren smiled and nodded then slipped his shoes on. He stood next to me as he was done putting his shoes on and we walked out of the apartment. Eren’s new life began today.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the pace of this story is going to slow down a little. And there should be new characters from next chapter on. 
> 
> If you have any questions or suggestions for this story, my tumblr is ginnoryuu308.tumblr.com or just to talk.  
> Also, people.... thank you so much for reading and liking this :) I never thought I would get over 100 kudos really. Thank you!!!!


	7. Family and friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trio graduated and another trio meet one another for the first time.  
> You also get a glimpse of Erwin, Hange and Levi's family.
> 
> (I edited a part of the chapter, but it became longer too oops)

Levi POV

April went by very quickly and we were now entering May. And May meant that the three of us - Eyebrows, Shitty glasses and I - were about to graduate soon. But before that, there were finals. As per usual, eyebrows were in deep study mode to keep his 4.0 GPA and graduate with highest honor. Hell, he even stopped meeting with his girlfriend in favor of studying. He was lucky that the girl he was dating was just like him and in deep study mode at the moment too. But Erwin was not the only one studying hard, I was studying hard too. I didn’t care much about GPA but test and exams were for me a mean to know how much I knew and how much I still needed to know. Shitty glasses was also in deep study and has been locked in his room the whole week-end only coming out to grab some food and go back to his room. Eren was slightly anxious for him seeing how smelly and how disheveled he looked coming out of his room, but I thought that the look only actuated Hange’s mad scientist look and behavior. I saw it fit for him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~x~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The finals week went by pretty quick and we were now listening to the school president’s ass long speech about life and about how our promotion should bring change to the world. I didn’t really care, all I cared about was to get that fucking diploma, go back home and sleep on my bed. Oh… wait…. I still don’t have a proper bed. Okay, change of program: get done with this and shop for a fucking bed because I am so done sleeping so close to the fucking floor. I was in a fool mood but who wouldn’t be when a mad scientist wakes you up by screaming by your ear to raise and shine for graduation. I didn’t even had coffee. We drove to school that morning and found some of our family members. We left Eren with Dr. Zoe the father and we went on our way for graduation. It didn’t help my mood that I was around people I didn’t know since all the majors were separated. 

After the ass long speech, the president announced our graduation, we stood up and our escort put the scarf thing around our neck. My escort was my adopted mother and she looked so proud of me. I did my best in school partly for me and partly so that my adopted family could be proud of the ‘son’ they found for and raised. 

“I’m so proud of you Levi.” She said as she hugged me, tears glistening in her eyes.

“Thank you.” I replied as I hugged her back. 

After we sat down, the school began to call us one by one to give us our diplomas. 

“And now in the school of science and human studies. Levi Ackerman.”

The only good thing with my name was that it began by a fucking “A” so I could be done with this whole ceremony soon. The sooner the better. 

“Erwin Smith”  
Sometime along the line they called Captain eyebrow’s name and there he was walking toward the scene with his perfect blond hair in a very confident way. You could hear a lot of girls cheering for him in the seat but I knew that his girlfriend would have skinned them one by one if she could. Erwin’s girlfriend was the jealous type but she was also very proud of Erwin. 

“Hange Zoe”

Hange stood up from his chair and I could see him forcing himself not to run toward the front. He hugged the heck out of the president though, which was fucking hilarious. 

After the ceremony, the Zoe, the Smith and my own family approached us. There were greetings and congratulations going around. I saw Eren anxiously fidgeting next to Dr. Zoe the father and I moved next to him.

“Anxious?”

“Ja. I am not used to be around so many people.” He said shyly looking around. 

“Come let me give you a proper presentation.” 

I pushed him forward toward his family. Mrs. Ackerman’s face instantly lit up and she went to give me another hug. 

“Levi! We are so so proud of you. Congratulations.” She put a kiss on my forehead then looked around me. “And who’s your friend here?”

“This is Eren. Eren this is Mrs. Ackerman.” I lightly pushed Eren forward and nugged him on the sides so he would offer his hand.

“Well, nice to meet you Eren.” Auntie greeted as she shook his hand. “How old are you? You look pretty young. Are you in college? You look like you would be my daughter’s age. Levi?”

I shook my head. “Auntie, you don’t let him answer. But yeah, he is Mikasa’s age.” I wanted to add ‘I think’ but that was unnecessary detail. We were about 80% sure Eren was 15 - 16 years old. 

“Great!” She beamed as she clapped her hands. “Come meet my daughter. Mikasa! Come meet Levi’s friend.”

Auntie took Eren’s hand and dragged him toward her husband and her daughter. I shook my head and walked behind them not wanting Eren to panic too much. They stopped in front of Mr. Ackerman, a tall man with blond hair and unshaven face and Mikasa, a tall - taller than me but almost as tall as Eren - girl with jet black hair and an expressionless face. I was more surprised to see another form next to her, a shorter male with blond hair in a bowl cut. Mikasa’s eyes instantly widen when she saw me and I could see the light blush on her face. Oh boy, here we go again with her teenage crush.

“Levi!” she ran toward me giving me a hug. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks Mikasa. I see Armin is back.” I pulled from her and looked around her.

“Yeah, they came back a month ago.” She said as she shyly smiled at me. 

Mikasa Ackerman, my… sister… well adopted sister, has always had a crush on me. And I knew it. But she didn’t know that I know. She still thinked I am oblivious to it and I intended to keep it that way because there was no need to give her false hope. She was my sister after all, I wanted to protect her. 

“Mikasa, come! Levi brought a friend… who is not Erwin or Hange.” Mrs. Ackerman called. 

Mikasa turned around and made her way toward her mom. Her eyes instantly shot to Eren and she glared, she fucking glared at him. Not even stare, no, glare, like if she was silently judging him. Poor Eren was fidgeting even more, not knowing what to do with himself or how to deal with this. 

“ His name is Eren. Eren, this is my daughter Mikasa and her friend Armin. I think the three of you are the same age.”

Mikasa stayed at a distance and said a vague hello but mushroom head offered his hand to Eren with a big smile in his face. 

“Hi Eren. I’m Armin. Armin Arlert. Nice to meet you!”

Eren nodded at him, maybe trying to find his words, maybe trying not to speak in German or maybe trying to run away. I was not sure. But he looked constipated. It was almost funny. 

“Leeeeevviiiiii!!!! Erreeeeeeeennnn!!!!!! COME TAKE A PICTUUUUUURE!!!!!” Hange’s voice came from somewhere. 

I sighed and looked around to spot the messy brown head but he found me first, tackling me with a hug. I grunted at him and elbowed him in the stomach. He hunched with a pained expression but recovered quickly. 

“Oh Hello Mrs. Ackerman, Mr. Ackerman, Mikasa and…. Erwin number two? How are you doing? Oh but more important, come come take a picture. Dad bought this very fancy camera and the picture quality is the bomb. He bought it especially for today.”

“He didn’t buy it for you?” I asked but I already knew that Dr. Zoe the father would never buy Hange a nice expensive camera: he would destroy it within hours, not even day, a few fucking hours.   
Hange dragged me by my arm and I saw Auntie gently pulling at Eren’s arm so he would come. We took position in front of Dr. Zoe’s camera and posed. Erwin had his arm around his girlfriend and his - oh so charming - trademark smile on his face while his girlfriend has a huge grin on her face, trademark of the Zoe family. Hange had the same shit-eating grin on his face and his parent were standing next to one another, Mr. Zoe’s arms around his wife’s waist. Hange had his arms around my shoulder and Erwin’s. At my right stood my family and Eren, who managed to get close to me and grabbed the sleeve of my graduation robe. Poor guy, he must be so anxious right now. Everyone smiled - or in my case scowled even more because how does one smile again? - and the camera went off. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~x~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Eren… was it? So…. where are you from?” Armin asked Eren on the way to The Zoe’s house where our graduation party was held. They insisted on celebrating it together since Erwin and I were Hange’s best friends and Erwin is almost already a member of their family: this is what happens when you date shitty glasses’ twin sister Erwin! Good job!

Eren shrugged and looked at me from the corner of his eyes silently asking for help. 

“Well, Arlert. It’s complicated.” I simply said not really wanting to develop more on the question. Armin shifted in his chair and asked another question.

“W-which school do you go to?” he hesitated.

Eren pretty much did the same thing as earlier not having an answer. I just sighed: what was I supposed to say? Those were just routine questions and I was at a loss of to what to say.

“He is homeschooled.” Hange in front of us commented. Always count on Hange to save the situation - not really no. 

“Oh! Really? Awesome! I am homeschooled too!” Armin beamed and looked at Eren who furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. The poor kid must not even know what ‘school’ is. 

“Why don’t you answer any of his questions? That’s kind of impolite.” Mikasa suddenly spoke next to Hange with an unpleased voice. 

Eren’s expression changed from confused to displeased. But he didn’t have an answer. He just crossed his arms in front of his chest looked out the window.

“Mikasa… maybe he’s just shy.” Armin defended.

“Well, you are shy too Armin but you went out of your way to talk to him. He didn’t even try to answer you. I haven’t even heard his voice since I met him.” Mikasa spatted, then she turned around to face Eren. “What is it? Are you mute or something? Levi? Is he mute?”   
“Nein, ich bin nicht stumm…” Eren mumbled. The kid was pouting and refused to look at anyone. He usually spoke in German when he was not really trying to speak to anyone, like now.

Mikasa looked at him with confusion but Armin’s eyes lit up.

“Wait… You speak German?”

Eren turned his head to Armin and nodded not really sure what to do from there. Armin looked from Mikasa’s scowl to Eren’s who was just looking at him curious to what the blond boy was about to say next. 

“I-I’ve always wanted…. to speak German.” Armin shyly explained. “I c-can say a f-few words. Like… Ich bin Armin. But I really want to know how to speak German. Of course my accent is not the best. Do, do you think, you can help me?” Armin’s pleaded with his big blue eyes fixed on Eren. Well, seems like the kid knows he has puppy eyes. 

Eren was first surprised but after then offered him a huge smile, maybe the biggest smile we’ve seen on the kid’s face since we met him. 

“I don’t mind helping you. Ar… hmm…”

“Armin!”

“Armin.”

The two boys shook hands. Mikasa in front rolled her eyes and sat back with a huff and Hange poke fun at her on how she was just being jealous and to calm down a little. This was just who Mikasa was. She was very wary of people and very protective of Armin so right now, she was trying to find ways to test Eren and figure out what kind of person he really is. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~x~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Erwin! Come here my son!!” Hange’s mom approached the tall blond with open arms. Erwin hugged her back and they began a small conversation mostly about his future plans - and especially his future plans concerning her daughter. 

Meanwhile, the Zoe twins decided to troll everyone by dressing the same. What’s scary is that they succeed in fooling even their parents into thinking that they are the other twin, which is pretty messed up. Think about it: Erwin is dating Hange’s twin sister who looks exactly like him, EXACTLY LIKE HIM!!!!!!!! It is another Hange with slightly more curves and slightly - barely noticeable - bigger boobs. It always creeped me out, but Hange seemed to find it funny and usually teases Erwin that he can wear a dress for him if he missed his sister. Disgusting. 

Eren and Armin were talking lively about German and what not. Eren would still hesitate a little especially when Armin asked too many private question - he was hesitation not because he didn’t want to say it but more because he didn’t know about himself - but Armin was sharp and caught on that, so he stopped asking private question and sticked on the more general ones. They seemed to get along well. 

Next to Armin stood Mikasa who listened to their conversation without really taking part of it. I could see it in her eyes that she was still silently judging Eren. She would sometime huff when Eren wouldn’t answer a question but other than that, she didn’t really say anything. I could tell that Eren was slightly uncomfortable by this but didn’t comment on it. But he kept on throwing side glares at her and she kept on glaring at him. 

“Levi.” Mikasa said as she sat next to me. “Can I ask you something?”

I nodded. 

“What can you tell me about Eren? What is he hiding?” She asked with a very displeased voice. I could tell that Eren’s “secrecy” bothered her but what did she want me to say? I knew as much as the kid knew about himself. 

“Mikasa, honestly I don’t know much about him.” I sighed. “All I know is that we don’t know where his parents are and he is currently a freeloader at our apartment.”

“So he ran away?” 

“Don’t jump into conclusions Mikasa. We don’t know. We’re trying to find out ok.”

Mikasa didn’t seem to please by my answer. She looked back at Eren and Armin. Eren was currently teaching a few words to Armin by pointing at an object in their vicinity and saying its name. 

“I don’t like him.” Mikasa muttered maybe more to herself but I heard it. “But Armin seems to like him. Just,” she turned back to me “if we hurts Armin, I’ll skin him.” She hissed. 

I raised my hand and ruffled her hair. “Whatever you say.”

I didn’t really care. I personally thought the same too. It was no secret that Armin was usually bullied. That was the very reason why he stopped going to school and began to be homeschooled. If Eren is shit enough to bully a kid that obviously couldn’t fight back then he was a scum. Mikasa was good at judging people.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~x~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Eren, hold this.” 

“Ok.” Eren said as he reached for the let of the bed. 

I finally went around and bought myself a bed. Thank fuck, I began to itch everywhere from sleeping so close to dirt and whatever was on the floor. I knew it was clean since it was my room floor but just the idea of the floor irks me. 

“Mikasa help him. Arlert, pass me screwdriver.” I hand out my hand so the kid could put the screwdriver in it. 

As I put myself to work, the kids were casually chatting about their day - not that Eren had anything interesting to do during his day besides shopping for bed and mattress with me then building it right now - when suddenly, Hange bursted in my room with a huge grin on his face. He was panting life if he ran the marathon, more like the marathon between the short distance between his room and mine, and he bounced on his feet as he announced:

“I FOUND EREN!!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter is longer than the others because I wanted to accelerate the pace a little so sorry if it looks rushed. I mostly wanted to introduce new characters and get in with the plot because I was lagging so much ugh. Anywhoo. Hope you like it.  
> Next chapter we're gonna have a glimpse of who Eren is.  
> As usual, comments and kudos are much appreciated. I am open to suggestion and questions about the story too.  
> my tumblr is http://ginnoryuu308.tumblr.com  
> Feel free to drop by and talk ;) Also I have another fic called "What it means to be human" so I would really appreciate if you guys could read it too :) As you know I am not very regular with my updates but I ended on pursuing both stories.  
> Thank you ❤


	8. Loneliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren has difficulties trusting people and Mikasa has difficulty trusting him.  
> An insight of what's going in Eren's mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! don't get used to regular updates K? !!!

Eren POV

 

“I FOUND EREN!!! LEVI! I FOUND HIM!!!!!” Hange excitedly screamed as he bounced around in my room confusing the hell out of our guests.

 

“Oi Hange! Calm the fuck down. We have guests.” Levi scolded the messy brown haired man who didn’t calm down at all.

 

I eyed Hange curiously: he said he found… me? But I am here. Or is he talking about someone who has the same name as me?

 

“Hange…” Levi said in a low voice. He sounded calm but I could tell that his patience was running low like it always was with Hange. I could see Armin’s confusedly staring at Hange in front of me. Good, I was not the only one confused here. I could also feel Mikasa’s stare on me on my side. I really don’t know what this girl’s problem is but she seems to always silently judging me.

 

Hange finally calmed down and looked around maybe realizing that he did in fact have an audience. He cleared his throat and dragged Levi out of the room, leaving me with a confused Armin and a judgmental Mikasa.

 

“What was that about?” Armin asked after Hange closed his room.

 

I shrugged and picked up the screwdriver that Levi dropped on the floor while being dragged away by Hange.

 

“Answer with words.” Mikasa commanded with a stern voice.

 

I snapped my eyes at her, annoyed, but didn’t say anything in return. I returned to my task of trying to build the bed. Armin was already trying to calm Mikasa down anyway, but she was not giving up.

 

“Armin! You’re too patient with him. Doesn’t it bug you that he’s always so vague. We practically don’t know anything about him and you already act like if he was your best friend.”

 

I could hear annoyance in her voice but I understood her intention: she was trying to protect Armin more than trying to make me feel bad. It nonetheless made me feel bad. I didn’t know a lot of things about myself but my name and those dreams that I have but they are too vague to even be shared. I don’t even know where to begin with my dreams. I silently kept on screwing the bed up while Armin and Mikasa were arguing - it was mostly Mikasa trying to remind Armin how much I don’t talk about myself.

 

“Calm down Mikasa. I am sure Eren is not a bad person. And he is friends with Levi. You trust Levi right?” Armin argued.

 

“This and that are different Armin. And I am not even sure if Levi trusts him.”

 

“MIKASA!” Armin warned her. But I heard. Yes, that was true. Levi may not trust me, but it was somewhat reciprocal. Sure I felt secure with Hange, Erwin and Levi but there was always this fear in the back of my head that they would abandon me. That fear keeps me from fully trusting them.

 

“No Armin. Do you know where he is from? Where his parents are? Or even, how he ended up living with Levi and his friends?”

 

Armin stopped talking and looked around, looking for an answer.

 

“Well no,” he said quietly then he looked back at Mikasa. “B-but if Levi opened his house for him, it must mean that Eren can be trusted right? Levi is not stupid enough to let a total stranger live in his house Mikasa.” He reasoned.

 

“Why do you always bring it back to Levi, Armin? Are you trying to use my personal feeling to convince me? I don’t care what he does, I am concerned about you. You just met Eren during the graduation and next thing I know you are buddy-buddy with him. You even talked about your dreams with him already. And what has he been giving you back? Nothing. Nothing at all, Armin. You ask him personal questions and he keeps on shrugging it away.” She took a deep breathe before adding. “A friendship - no, any relationship - is based on trust and a give and take dynamic. Not this. You keep on giving, he doesn’t give back.”

 

Or more correctly, I couldn’t give anything back because I have nothing. I tried my best to ignore their conversation but they were right there so I couldn’t really not hear what they talked about. A relationship is based on trust and a give-take dynamic. Does that mean that… I have no friends? After all, I didn’t trust anyone, not really. And up until now, I’ve been taking from Erwin, Hange, Levi and now Armin but I couldn’t give anything back. I didn’t realize until now that even though there were people, I was alone. Alone and apparently selfish.

 

The idea made me laugh. Here I thought that I was able to build something, a proper life or at least as proper as a nameless, past-less person can have. And now I discover that I was actually just a selfish, good for nothing, useless, failure that is alone on top of it. How laughable.

 

I put the screwdriver down and sat cross-legged on the floor. I could not longer hear Armin and Mikasa’s argument over my own thoughts. I didn’t even know if they were still arguing. I closed my eyes and thought what I heard over, along of what I heard in my dreams.

 

“He is a failure.” “Such a waste of time.” “A deception.” “Trust.” “Friendship.” “Give and take.” “Gave nothing.”

 

I felt a pinching in my heart and I wanted to stop hearing these voice. I bent forward until my head was touching my legs and covered my ears. Please stop. Stop. Stop. I am sorry. Sorry for being a failure. Sorry for not being able to offer anything back. Sorry for having nothing. Sorry for deceiving you. Sorry. So sorry.

 

“Levi! What did Hange mean by he found Eren? What is it to be found? What did he found?” Mikasa suddenly shouted on the same time I felt a gentle hand on my back.

 

I raised my head slowly and met Armin’s gentle eyes. His eyes were full of concern and I felt guilty: Sorry for worrying you Armin. I wanted to cry but I knew that it would be more trouble for them so I kept my tears in. I could hear Levi sighed.

 

“Mikasa…” He began, I could hear the annoyance in his voice. When was he not annoyed? “It is not really my place to say this. Eren has no memory of who he is and we’re trying to figure it out. Now if you have any more questions, ask him.”

 

“But you said that he has no memory of who he is!” Mikasa replied.

 

“Exactly, he doesn’t know, we don’t know. He only knows whatever we found so far about him, which is next to nothing. So, right now you’re annoying me. You have the right to stop asking me question. Whatever you will can and will be ignored.” He said in a stern tone.

 

“Were you pronouncing our rights?” Armin chuckled.

 

“A deformation of it” he shrugged, then he looked at me. “What’s the problem kid? Do you need to shit or something? Why are you sitting on the floor like if you’re keeping your shit in?”

 

How do I answer that? Mikasa chuckled and Armin laughed quietly while I looked at Levi with an empty expression.

 

“Sorry. It’s nothing.” I stood back up.

 

Levi kept his gaze on me for a few moments before looking behind me.

 

“I see that you finished building the bed. Not bad brats.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  x ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Eren, can I talk to you?”

 

Shit, Mikasa was able to corner me and now she wants to talk to me? In private? She has been observing me all day long, silently judging me. If what she said earlier was anything to go by, she didn’t like me very much. No, scratch that. She didn’t like me AT ALL.

 

I nonetheless agreed to talk to her, but I was not comfortable with my decision. She silently prompted me to follow her in the kitchen and I obediently followed.

 

“I don’t like you very much.” She began. “But I think you know that.”

 

I nodded but kept silent. She kept her eyes on me but I wouldn’t meet hers. How do you look someone who doesn’t appreciate you in the eyes? I don’t want to challenge her, far from that. I want her to leave me in peace.

 

She took a deep breath before continuing. “But, I owe you an apology. I shouldn’t have said the things I said. It must have hurted you… so, sorry.”

 

“A… Armin told me that you looked defeated after our argument, so I apologize for that. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you or anything. You see… Armin is my best friend and I’ve always protected him growing up so… I- I was weary of you. Armin is smart and I know that he makes the best decisions but… I’ve had an experience where someone would hide its true personality behind friendly features and it… I guess… I, I didn’t like it that you wouldn’t tell more about you.”

 

I nodded again, which I thought would irk her - not that I intended to, I really had nothing to say - but she just sighed.

 

“You could have at least told us that you have amnesia.”

 

“Amnesia?” I asked as I tilted my head.

 

“You know… not remembering things, like a good chunk of your life.” She explained.

 

Ah! But that was a lie. I don’t like to lie. Someone once told me that lying was not good so I don’t lie. I didn’t forget what happened to me. I just decided not to share about it and Hange and the others took my silence as me not remembering. Sure I almost didn’t remember my name but that was because they rarely called me by name. But what happened to me? It feels like a nightmare but I know very well everything was real. I could still feel the needles in my arm and the cold tray on my back, sometimes the shackles to keep me in place. My wrist would be bruised but the bruises would heal.

 

I never said I forgot, they decided that for me and I chose silence as an answer. Was I wrong to keep silent? Was I wrong that they were now thinking I didn’t remember?

 

“Eren?” Mikasa called and I was brought back to reality.

 

“What do you want to say really?” I didn’t know why she was telling me that. I knew that she didn’t like me and that she was trying to protect Armin. I really don’t care about the reasons because I am a selfish, useless person.

 

“That, I will trust Armin. I still don’t like you but I will try to get to know you more. So… in exchange I want you to be truthful to us.”

 

I took a step back and looked away. “And why would you think I want to do that? Why do you think that I would want for you guys to know more about me?”

 

“Because you are lonely.” Armin’s voice rose from nowhere. I turned around, startled to see his blond head standing behind me.

 

Me? Lonely? I thought back to that cell where they threw me after experimentation. I did feel lonely, but who was I longing for.

 

“W-why do you say that?” I asked, but my voice was shaking. No. I am not about to cry. That’s not it, I am actually shocked because it is true. I am lonely. And I have been longing for something in those dark cells where you couldn’t even see your own hands. I longed for someone. But who?

 

“I just now.” Armin shrugged with a soft smile. “Eren, we (he looked at Mikasa and saw her disapproving stare), well I want to be your friend. I want to get to know you and you’ll get to know me. Doesn’t that sound fun? Less… lonely?”

 

It did. I slightly nodded.

 

“Use words!” Mikasa ordered.

 

“Mikasa.”

 

“Armin! If he wants to function in society he has to speak.”

 

Armin shook his head and looked back at me, his gentle smile questioning me. “You can trust us.” He whispered, “we’re not the kind to kiss and tell.”

 

“Maybe…” I muttered but that seemed to be enough for Armin whose face lit up instantly. He grabbed my hand with both his and just smiled at me with a content smile. Mikasa shook her head and moved to stand next to Armin. At least she stopped glaring at me. I was not really ready to share anything yet and trust… Trust… was not easy for me. But what was really? I was not used to speak and voice my thoughts: I didn’t have to do that, nobody cared about my thoughts. I was scared shitless of needles, I couldn’t sleep at night because of my nightmares and dreams that leave me heavy hearted.

 

But I’ll try.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while so I offered you an Eren POV. I think it is important to show what's going on in his little mind.  
> Please comment, kudo or both if you liked it. Also, I received a nice constructive comment in the last chapter and I really appreciated it. So if you ever see something that you're like: hmm, I'm sure this can be written better than that. I am more than open to suggestion.  
> You can also contact me at ginnoryuu308.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A full name, a date of birth and nightmares are all they know about Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took forever to write this, sorry.   
> Thank you guys for your comments and the kudos <3   
> They keep me fulled really, thank you :))

Levi POV

 

Calming Hange down after his announcement was not easy, but I managed nonetheless after a few minutes of him jumping around and me glaring at him.

 

“So, glasses, what did you find?” 

 

“It’s not a lot, but considering that we didn’t find anything about him since we met him, this is a lot of information.” Hange said excitedly as he sat back on his chair and turned his huge ass computer screen at me. 

 

I looked at the screen and saw a picture of a younger version of Eren. My eyes widen slightly as I looked at the information the screen had to offer me, a full name and a date of birth. 

 

“What is this exactly?” I ask as I turned my gaze back to Hange.

 

“I am not sure…” he answered hesitantly, “it goes without saying that I found this not in all legal terms and had to use my sis’s code breaker knowledge to pull this out” he added with a sheepish smile.

 

I held up a hand in front of his face while the other pinched the bridge of my nose, “I don’t need to know that.” Not as a future cop at least. Sure I was not out of college yet but I already had a post with the police once I graduate. My goal was to become a detective eventually. And as a future law enforcer, I didn’t need to know that one of my best friends was using illegal methods to retrieve information about a lost kid, that was not legally staying with us by the way. But nobody needs to know that, right. 

 

I ignored the illegal activities going on in my house - God, I make it sound like an organ traffic business - in favor of looking back to the screen and read the few information that we found on Eren. 

 

Eren Jäger, born on March 30th. And his age was now confirm, he was indeed 15 years old. 

 

I silently grabbed Hange’s mouse and scrolled down with the hope that there would be more information, but there were none. This truly was not much, but like Hange said, it is more than what we had a few moments ago. And now we had a full name, which would make the research easier. 

 

“Thanks Hange…” I quietly said as I slightly turned my head toward him. Instead of a vocal answer, he just gave me a huge smile. 

 

I stretched my back before walking toward the door, but as I was about to turn the doorknob, Hange called me back. 

 

“Oh! Levi! Wait, I think it is important that you know that this is the most scarce hospital information I’ve ever seen.” 

 

“It is an hospital form?” 

 

“An hospital admission that dates from…” I heard him scrolling his mouse, “wow, seven years ago.”

 

A minute passes before Hange added again, “and it is not written anywhere that he has been discharged.”

 

Meaning that he has been in that hospital for seven years and that said hospital never discharged him. 

 

I turned back on my heels to face Hange. This new information is alarming. Dr. Zoë didn’t find anything wrong with Eren when she discharged him, so there shouldn’t be any threat to his health. But what if she missed something?

 

“So what?” I raised my voice after a pause, “the kid is dying or has a terminal disease?”

 

Hange frowned and thought about it too. I could see him looking back and forth from the computer screen to his phone with pursed lips. With a sigh, he grabbed his phone and made a phone call. 

 

“Let me talk to Mom about this. If worse come to worse, we will admit him back. But I’m sure she did a full exam of Eren. We couldn- oh hello! Mom?” Hange faced away from me a raised a finger, “Wait a minute Mom,” he said to the phone before turning back to me, “I’ll give you more information later Levi.” Hange gave me one of the Zoë family trademark grin before talking back to the phone. I took that as my cue to leave. 

 

~x~

 

“Levi!”

 

Oh God, Mikasa. Why do you have to yell. I slightly massaged my temples as I felt a headache beginning. 

 

“What did Hange mean by he found Eren? What is it to be found? What did he found?” 

 

Shit. I looked at her, slightly -no- very annoyed and sighed as I answered. “Mikasa…It is not really my place to say this. Eren has no memory of who he is and we’re trying to figure it out. Now if you have any more questions, ask him.”

 

I looked at Eren as I said so. Eren had his back at me with Armin next to him seemingly trying to soothe him. God bless your heart blondie, we all know Mikasa can be stubborn and borderline rude when it comes to protecting her loved ones. 

 

“But you said that he has no memory of who he is!”

 

Mikasa… please. “Exactly, he doesn’t know, we don’t know. He only knows whatever we found so far about him, which is next to nothing. So, right now you’re annoying me. You have the right to stop asking me question. Whatever you will can and will be ignored.”

 

I heard mushroom chuckle, “Were you pronouncing our rights?”

 

“A deformation of it,” then I turned to Eren with my everlasting cold stone face, “What’s the problem kid? Do you need to shit or something? Why are you sitting on the floor like if you’re keeping your shit in?”

 

Eren’s eyes widened slightly, confused by what I just said. If not for the depressed face his pulled earlier and the knowledge that it meant that he was drowning in self-defeating thought, I would have laughed, or at least made fun of his new expression. 

 

“Sorry. It’s nothing.”

 

Fine, I won’t push. Not now, not in front of Armin and Mikasa. But you’re hiding things from me kid. It’s unhealthy.

 

~x~

 

I was catching up my TV series on the sofa in the living room when Armin and Mikasa left. Eren cautiously sat at the opposite side of the sofa and looked at me expectantly. We stayed in silence for a while before I broke the silence. 

 

“Talk.” 

 

“Y-you talk like Mikasa,” he hesitantly commented with a light chuckle.

 

I glanced at him then returned my attention to the tv, “well, we’re practically siblings so it’s no mystery that you’ll see similar tendencies between us. Now, ask away what you have in mind or get rid of that constipated look off your face brat.” 

 

I may have been a little harsh but that is the only way I can speak, turn to Hange or Erwin if you want sugar coated talk or socially acceptable one. An Ackerman trait is to go trait to the point I guess. 

 

I saw him fidget in my periphery vision but didn’t spare him a look. Sorry kid but I won’t give you my full attention until you get your shit together. You’ve been out of the hospital for a month now, and if Dr. Zoë did her job right (which she usually does) then you shouldn’t go back there soon. In other words, it would be time for you to get out in the society. You’ll get bored in this house kid, you need to get out but once out, the world is not gonna wait for you to adjust. Life is shit, people are ass and nobody is going to baby you out there. Now, if you want someone’s attention, make whatever you say worth their time or fuck off. 

As a few minutes passed and Eren still haven’t spoken, I decided to fully ignore him and turn my attention back to my show. Neither of us moved, not even when Hange went by the living room to grab water and sat between us to watch the show with me (us? I was not sure whether Eren was watching or not). 

 

At some point Hange pulled me apart to tell me that his mother did do a full examination and that she didn’t find anything. Dr. Zoë asked for Eren to go by the hospital at some point for another full examination, just in case they missed something. But other than that, “she is 90% positive Eren is healthy and kicking” he said eagerly. But his happy expression turned serious quickly, “It means that whatever hospital admitted Eren had other reasons for keeping him. There also the problem of how Eren escaped and ended up bare and weak in that alley.”

 

“Oh great, as soon as we thought that that shit was over, another one came along and is impossible to get out.” I scowled, to which Hange laughed out loud.

 

“Oh my gosh Levi! That’s disgusting! Your imageries are priceless! Only you can compare a problem with going to the bathroom.” He said in between breath as he clutched his middle, “you’re gonna kill me!”

 

As I came back to the living room, I noticed that Eren was dozing off on the couch. I lightly kicked his leg to wake him up. 

 

“Hey, brat. Go take a shower and go to bed. There’s no way you’re drooling on the couch.”

 

Eren just jumped on his feet and stumbled to the bathroom.

 

“And don’t fall in the shower, I don’t want to have to clean your blood all over the floor!!” I shouted at him as I heard the bathroom door close. 

 

Moments later, we were both washed and in bed. The lights were out and the peaceful night was disrupted by the honks and sounds of car rolling or stuck in traffic. The perks of living in the city right. As per usual, it took me about an hour to fall asleep, but I didn’t expect myself being woken up three hours later by sobs echoing in my room. 

 

I discontentedly run my hand in my hair then along my face as I sat back on the bed and looked at Eren’s bed, the source of the sobbing. 

 

“Fuck brat…” I muttered as I got up and approached his bed. The brat’s face was damp with tears and his breath came out as hiccups, but he seems to not be waking up. “Dammit” I swore again, but I couldn’t do anything so I came back to bed, willing myself to ignore the sobs, and fall back asleep.  

 

“Ma…” his voice echoed in the room. As much as I wanted to ignore him to get a much needed sleep, I couldn’t help myself but stretch my ears and focus on what he was mumbling in his sleep. 

“Ma… Ma…” I heard him turn around. “Ich… liebe…, mn…” 

 

After a while, I thought he was done, but he mumbled again (exactly when I was to fall back asleep too), this time, it seemed more alarmed. 

 

“Nein… Bi...tte… Au… fhören… Bitte… Nein, nein… mn… nein…”

 

I looked at him toss and turn from my bed. I didn’t know what to do, or even if I had to do something. I remember him having night terrors when he was in hospital but this is different, this was just nightmare. Just a nightmare. He seemed so helpless. From the few German I learned (none), I know that ‘nein’ means ‘no’ but that’s about it. Why was he saying ‘no’ repeatedly?

 

“Shit,” I swore, hating my powerlessness toward helping the boy calm down, before silence came back again in the room. 

 

Next thing I know, it is daylight. 

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

_“Eren!”_

_I kept my breathe as I heard footsteps in the hallway. I could hear my heart beating an unsteady pace in my chest, and the closest the footsteps sounded, the faster it beat._

_“Eren? Are you here?”_

_Ah that soft feminine voice. It sounded like a music to ear and warmed me, but now, it was probably the scariest voice I’ve ever heard._

_“I can hear you,” she sing sang as I heard the steps stop in front of the closet I was hidden in._

_“Eren, are you under the bed?” she asked but she didn’t really expect an answer, “or maybe… in the closet?!” As she said so, she opened the closet door so abruptly that I let out a little yelp, which made her chuckle. Her chuckle sounded like the chime of bells._

_“Little one, I could hear you. Your breathing was so uneven.”_

_“That’s unfair mama, you have good ear.” I pouted._

_Mother smiled at me and extended her hand that I grabbed eagerly._

_“Come, Mama is going to extend the laundry outside. You can play in the field if you want to, as long as you make noises.” she warned me._

_“Yes, Mama.” I chanted as I escorted her outside._

\-----------------------------------------------

Lately, I have been having dreams of a woman with a side ponytail and a warm smile. But come the morning, I couldn’t remember the details of her face nor who she was. All I knew was that I was left with a nostalgic feeling and my face drenched with tears. Thankfully, Levi seemed to not have noticed my state in the morning as he was usually already gone when I woke up.

“Do you want to play video games with some of my friend and I this afternoon?” Armin asked me over the german book he was holding.

Morning German lessons quickly became a routine for Armin and I. He enjoyed learning the language and I was less anxious speaking it because I had an awful accent whenever I spoke English. But for some reasons, speaking English to Armin didn’t make me as self conscious as it was to speak to Hange and the others.

“Video games?” I asked tilting my head to the side.

“Oh… hmmm, it is games that you play on the TV or the computer or handheld console.” Armin tried to explain.  I nodded without really comprehending, I knew TV but I didn’t know anything else. Oh wait, I also knew those horrible screens that they used whenever they held me on that metal bed.

Armin must have read the confusion in my eyes because he was currently looking around the house to try to give me another explanation, maybe more visual since he came to know that I learn more visually.

“Ah! I know.” I tilted my head in a silent question as he searched his pants pocket and pulled out a small device from it. I eyed him curiously as he fiddled with it. “Here! This is a smartphone. You know what a phone is, right?” I nodded and he continued. “Look, that is a video game.”

He handed me the phone. I looked down at it, there was a small boxy character on the screen of the phone. Armin smiled and moved around the table to sit down next to me and lightly touched the screen, which created a change on the screen. I was so impressed that I couldn’t help the small gasp to escape my lips that made him chuckle.

“You look like a kid who just found gold.” He said amused, which made me blush. I may as well have found gold, it is not everyday that things change on a screen when you touch them, right?

Armin took the phone back in his hands and touched the screen to make his character move. I looked with stars in my eyes, full of awe. Whenever Armin touched at the left arrow on the screen, the character would move left; when he touched at the right arrow, the character would go right. When he was in front of another character, he would push at the A button and a dialogue box would pop out.

“This is Pokemon Green, one of the first Pokemon out in the market. I was able to fiddle around and download it on my phone so I can play it. Wanna try?”

I nodded and he handed me the phone back. I was not sure of what I was doing but Armin patiently explained to me what  I needed to do, what button to press and how to beat the small creatures that were against my little creatures - he called them Pokemon -.

“That’s a video game. Not all video games are the same but Pokemon is one type.” Armin explained as I handed him his phone back. “Do you like it? Are you interesting in playing with us?”

I really wanted to say yes, but there was a problem. He said “us”. I was still not very confident at talking and if “us” included Mikasa then I didn’t want to go. She - and Levi but Mikasa would bug me about it more than Levi would - was still mad because I barely talked and it didn't improve since the last time we talked. Armin didn't mind it as much, maybe because I actually talked we were learning German. I didn't usually see Mikasa but she seemed to make sure to pick Armin up after our morning German lessons and every time she would greet and glare at me. I would nod at her and she will give me her regular "speak with words!" answer before huffing, turning around and leaving with Armin following her behind.

"You don't have to go if you don't want to." Armin said hesitantly. I think he saw my hesitation, but the look on his face was one of rejection. Oh no, please, don't make that face to me. "But you know, it won't only be Mikasa there. We invited a couple of our friends. See it as an opportunity to meet new people."

I could see that Armin was trying to encourage me to go. How could you possibly say no to that kind of pleading? He was trying to make it fair for me, to make it look like an opportunity, a chance at a good experience. Oh Armin, you're good with words aren't you. But he was right. My life right now was limited to Hange, Levi and Erwin… and Armin during the mornings. I wanted to know more people and have a broader circle. I was still self-conscious about my English accent but I was also sick of always being in this apartment. I could go out, but there are no reasons for me to get out really.

“Ok, I’ll go.” I offered him a honest smile and he excitedly smiled back at me.

“Awesome!! Ok, we’ll be gathering at my place at 3pm. Would you need a ride? Oh but wait, you don’t have a phone. Erwin and the other are going to wonder where you went!”

“Mach dir keine Sorgen, Armin. I’ll leave them a note.” But I quickly remembered that I couldn’t write to save my life. What a shame really.  “C-can you write it for me Armin?” I asked hesitantly, my face red from the shame of being illiterate. This is so funny, I cannot read nor write. I didn’t know basic maths and know no history facts. In other words, I am totally stupid and ignorant.

“Sure!” Armin exclaimed, unaware of my internal despair. He grabbed a paper from the notebook he always brings whenever we have our morning German lessons and asked what to write. I dicted him the words and he wrote them with his beautiful cursive writing. I wish I could write and read. I knew a few letters but not all of them, and I tried to write them down but I didn’t even know how to hold the pen. How stupid. How useless.

\--------------------------------------------------

3 o’clock came fairly quickly after Armin left in the morning and I found myself in a car with Armin and his grandfather. I could tell that Armin go this passion for travel from his grandfather as the old man kept on reminiscing the scenery of Germany the moment he learned that I spoke German.

Which makes me wonder: am I from Germany? Where am I from again? Was I born on that cold tray? I was wondering whether Hange and Levi knew those informations already. I still didn’t come around and ask them about the fuss the other day. I just didn’t know how to ask it. Should I just come up to them a say, “Hey guys, what was that about?” No, I need to be more polite, more thankful in my asking the question. A voice in my mind keeps on reminding me that I owe them my life and therefore need to respect them. They can abandon me anytime after all… Abandon me. What if they realized that I was an ungrateful little brat - like Levi likes to call me - and ask me to get out of the apartment?

I shook myself out of that mentality as soon as it came, but I could already feel my heartbeat rising and fear freeze my insides.

“Eren? Are you okay? We’re here.” Armin’s soft voice asked me gently.

“Yes,” I said as I slightly shook my head to get rid of what’s left of that scary possibility, “sorry, I was… thinking…”

Armin looked at me suspiciously, like if he knew something was up but quickly smiled at me and prompted me out of the car. Armin lived a little bit far from the city where there were actually plants and trees around. Their neighborhood was nice and the house he lived in was neither too big nor too small. It had a cozy feeling to it with the flowers spread around the house and the small vegetable garden in the backyard.

“Your house is nice.” I commented in awe. Levi’s apartment was so much different, it had a cold feeling to it, at least in the exterior - the interior was anything but cold with Hange’s liveliness and Erwin’s warm presence -. The house was painted a soft yellow and there was a big window that probably belonged to the living room.

“Thanks,” Armin answered, cheeks slightly pink. “Let’s not wait any longer outside, come on.” He said as he dragged me inside.

Inside their house, a few people have been gathered; and the moment the main door closed, they looked at us. Their stare went from Armin to his grandfather then stayed on me for a while before a guy with a buzzcut asked, “welcome back Armin! Is this Eren?” Oh, he heard about me.

“Yes,” Armin answered with a big smile, “He is Eren, Eren here are my friends… that’s Connie,” he said as he mentioned to buzzcut guy, the later offering me a toothy grin and a “hey man.”

“That’s Sasha” he continued as he mentioned to a brown haired girl with a ponytail, she was slightly tan and had chips crumbles around her mouth. She has obviously been eating. Sasha offered me her -greasy- hand and offered her mine.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Eren!” she said cheerfully. I already like her, she seemed like a cool girl, beside the fact that now I needed to wash my hand for the chips oil that was on it.

“You already know Mikasa…. yeah…” Armin hesitantly mentioned. Mikasa granted me a side glance but that was it. Lovely as always Mikasa.

“And Jean.” Armin mentioned to the last person who was not presented to me in the room. The guy had a two toned hair - what is that color, light brown?- and a long face. He looked like one of those animals that were in Armin’s Encyclopedia, what was it again?

“Hey dude, nice t’meet cha.” He said with a smug smirk as he offered his hand for me to shake.

“Ein Pferd…” Oh yeah, he did look like a horse!

“Huh?” Jean asked confusedly.

“Ah, no, nothing. Yeah.” I nodded at him. I don’t think calling people “horse” on the first meeting leaves a good impression, Eren. Be considerate. I was lucky that John didn’t know German otherwise I would have been in trouble.

Unfortunately, Armin next to me knew what I was saying and had trouble keeping his giggles.

“What? What’s so funny Armin?” John insisted.

Armin shook his head and waved his hand at him in an attempt to make him drop the subject.

“Don’t worry about it John.” I added.

“It’s Jean jackass!”

“John, Jean, same thing. Close enough.” I whispered with a shrug.

“Vat vas zat brunette?” Jean retorted with a fake heavy German accent. Oh no he didn’t. Did he know how self-conscious I was with my accent. I could feel heat raise in my face and shame in my guts.

“I have a better name for you John. Pferd! Oh yeah, suits you!” I shouted at him, still self-conscious of my German accent and quickly dropping my voice.

Around us, Armin couldn’t help but roll on the floor laughing while the others tried to calm Jean down.

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Was?” what was he asking of me?

“He…. he is asking….” Armin tried in between breaths but couldn’t stop laughing at the perfect nickname I gave Jean.

“He is asking you what that German name you gave him meant.” Mikasa explained calmly, not amused by the scene in front of her eyes at all. How did she do that? Her and Levi here indeed related, weren’t they.

“Pferd means … uh…. Ein Pferd ist ein Pferd Dummkopf!” I replied back to Jean. Truth be told, I forgot what ‘Pferd’ was in english. “Armin, Hilf mir!”

Armin tried to calm his laughing fit by taking deep breaths and after a few minutes was able to stand back up. All the while, Jean was asking - well, shouting is more accurate - again and again what I was saying, to stop talking in codes and faked a thick German accent while asking “What did you say?” and “What was that?” He also called me names like “jackass” and “asshole” and “fucker” that I had no clue what those words meant; but from the context of our discussion and if his tone was anything to go by, was not very flattering. Dummkopf.

This was the first time in my life I felt both humiliated, shameful and enraged on the same time. The little voice in my head kept reminding me that I needed to be courteous and not raise my voice but with an idiot like Jean, I couldn’t help it.

Jean was trying to get at me and I was trying to get at Jean but Connie and Sasha kept us apart.

“Are you sure you want him to know Eren? I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Armin asked me with anxious eyes.

Who cares anymore, Jean already know that they were not flattering words. May as well let him know, right? I nodded at Armin and he shook his head.

“Fine,” he sighed, “Pferd means horse.”

And, the horse neighed.

“Who do you call horse you fucker!! Do you want to fight?! Do you want to fight? I’ll take you right now! Come at me!!” He screamed but Connie kept him from charging at me like a etalon.

During this whole argument, Armin’s grandfather went to the kitchen, made himself some tea and went back to his room.

In the end, Jean and I ended up settling our differences over video games, but of course I kept on losing because this was the first time I ever played. So unfair!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~ translations ~~  
> "Mach dir keine Sorgen, Armin": Don't worry, Armin.  
> "Was?": what?  
> "Ein Pferd ist ein Pferd Dummkopf": horse is horse idiot  
> "Armin, Hilf mir!": Armin, help me!
> 
> I do not speak German and had to rely on my friend Google but we all know that dear Google makes mistakes too so, if you are familiar with the language and spot any mistakes, please tell me so I can correct it.
> 
> I had fun writing this chapter, especially Jean and Eren's interaction. 
> 
> Thank you so much for the kudos/comment guys. I sincerely didn't expect this fic to have as much as 190+ kudos, like wow!!
> 
> Don't hesitate to comment, they make me happy :) You can also find me on tumblr. btw, can someone teach me how to post links on the end notes? I can't figure it out.
> 
> That's it bye!!


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m going to kick your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit right for an entire month!!!!”

“GO EREN, GO GO GO!!! SHOW HORSIE WHAT YOU CAN DO!!!” Sasha and Connie cheered. I felt better knowing that I was able to turn John’s friends against him, but it didn’t help that this was my very first attempt at a first-person shooting game.

John kept on shouting what I suppose was profanities at me and I shouted back in German. It was only fair, right. I didn’t fully understand what he was telling me and he didn’t understand what I was saying back.

“Why won’t you die, you horse!” I shouted in German as his character shot me dead on the TV screen. “NO!”

“Ha! Got you sucker!!!!! I am the beeeest!” The horse laughed and sing-sang. He threw his hand above his head in a victory shout then poked at my side bragging about his victory and reminding me how much I sucked at these games. And I didn’t want to admit it but it kinda hurt to love, I could already feel angry tears of shame prickling the corners of my eyes, my face red from anger because the horse won’t stop neighing about how good of a shot he is.

“What is it Eren? Wanna go again? Want me to destroy you again? Or do you give up?” He went on again and at that moment I thought how much better John’s face would look with my fist connecting with it. But the little voice in my head reminded me that I won’t make friends quicker by punching them, so my fist remained clenched by my side.

The others seemed to notice my internal struggle because Connie put his hand on my shoulder. I turned to him and he offered a thumbs-up and a cocky smirk.

“No worries Eren, the great Connie Springer is going to avenge you. You shall rest for now soldier.” Then he turned to horse, “Hey Jean, bring it on!”

“Want me to destroy you too Connie?” he neighed.

“Let’s see who’s gonna destroy whom.” Connie replied confidently, “I won’t deceive you Eren,” he added as he turned to me dramatically, his hand still on my shoulder while the other one raised in a fist.

“Show him Connie!!” Sasha cheered, and the game was on.

Connie’s little play brought smile on my face and I sat back on the couch next to Armin to enjoy the game.

“See, you can do it when you want.” Mikasa’s voice prompted me to raise my head and meet her eyes, “all you need to do now is to speak in english and you’re good to go for social life here.”

I brought my eyes back to the side, I didn’t need Mikasa reminding me that my communication skills were limited and that my English was not the best you could hear around. I could understand more than I could speak and I couldn’t read nor write it.

"Yeah" I mumbled as an answer to Mikasa's remark.

She sighed but didn't say anything else redirecting her attention to the screen. I followed her action to witness, to my pleasure, Connie about to win.

"Nonononononono! Fuck shit!!!" Horse cursed and threw the controller to the floor.

"Yeaaaah!!! See that Eren, that was for you!” Connie exclaimed while pointing at me then winked.

I smiled at him as he approached me and gave me a headlock hug (weird if you’d ask me). Sasha also came along and hugged the both of us, cheering at Connie’s victory over John. I myself gave a cocky grin to John who, I think, didn’t really appreciate it because he stormed off to the kitchen. He was soon followed by Armin who, probably, wanted to check if he was okay and wouldn’t destroy half of his house. I felt good. No, I felt awesome! Yes, I miserably lost against horse but I gained new friends through that, and they avenged me. I feel great!

“Okay, guys. Now that you had your fun, let’s get to the real deal.” Mikasa suddenly said seriously. Way to spoil the fun Mikasa. But wait, Connie and Sasha are getting all serious and heated up too. Bewildered, I stayed exactly where I was while the duo grabbed the two controllers. Mikasa grabbed a controller too and they called John, Jean? up.

The said horse came from the kitchen with a glass full of ice in hand but the moment he saw the scene in front of him, his face turned all serious too - so serious it was almost comical -. He put his glass back on the kitchen counter and walked up to the sofa where Mikasa waited for him another controller in hand.

“Oh boy, it begins.” Armin sighed next to me, wait, since when was he there.

“What is going on?” I asked him quietly since the scene unfolding in front of us seemed almost… holy?

Armin shook his head and sighed again, “they’re beginning the live game now. They’re going to team up to fight people from other states and other countries. To be honest all of them are pretty good.”

I didn’t really understand but it seemed like a big deal as Armin pointed out each of their talents: Connie was very good at sneaking around and surprise attacks, Sasha was very good at long range shootings, Jean was good for more up-front attacks while Mikasa was apparently their ace, she was good in both frontal attack and melee attacks plus strategies. I was actually impressed by all of them and how they worked well in teams: communication. Mikasa was right, it does wonders.

I was frozen where I stood, not moving a single muscle as I watched Mikasa give direction and each of them telling her exactly what was in front of them but Connie. Connie had headphones on and would tell them other person’s positions and plans.

“Pretty impressive right. Yes it is video games but it help us bond with each other. You should see them after winning against a tough team, they are hugging one another, sometimes crying, like if they won a world cup.” Armin spoke softly and with a sense of pride behind his voice. He obviously loved his friends and treasured them. It must be nice to have such people in one’s life.

“How about you Armin? You don’t play?” I whispered at him, not wanting to break everyone’s concentration.

“Not today. I am not really good at aiming in those games and I panic easily too. But I am usually the one giving them instructions. I am their strategist, but today, I let Mikasa take my role” he explained as he smiled at me, then turned his focus back on the screen.

Team work only work with communication, so is friendship.

I decided, I will do my best to communicate properly with people. I finally understood Mikasa’s point - but damn she is annoying -.

\----------------------------------------------

The day ended in a good note: I gained new friends, minus Jean - finally properly learned that guy’s name- who is still making horse faces at me; I learned how to play a first person shooting game, kind of; and I had a lot of fun.

As Armin’s grandfather brought me home, I felt light and happy. There was even a skip in my steps when I went up to the apartment and rang the door.

But nobody answered.

A sense of dread began to swell in me and the happiness that I felt faded away like if it was never there.

Armin, who went up with me, picked up his phone and dialed someone while I crumbled down internally: they abandoned me. They are throwing me away, just like those people in that white blinding room. I knew not to trust them but it still hurt, they must have gotten tired with me. What have I done? Or maybe it’s what I have not done? I should have talked more. Yeah, I should have asked Levi about that information Hange found about me right. I should have… I should have.... I am sorry.

“Eren!” Armin called me but I couldn’t hear him.

I kept on staring blankly at the door not really knowing what to do. Should I ask Armin to invite me in his house? Is that appropriate? Would he get tired of me too because I am a failure?

“EREN!!” Armin called again this time bringing back to reality with his hand on my shoulder. “You okay there? I just called Hange and he said that he is still stuck at the campus library. Eren?” He asked again, this time maybe reading the distress in my eyes.

“Eren, what’s wrong?” he anxiously prompted while slightly shaking me.

I just shook my head, nothing is wrong right? This is normal. People get tired of defective objects and throw them away. It is a normal part of life and I need to accept it.

“Eren, Levi is coming back soon. He said he got stuck in traffic after getting take home dinner. Eren you hear me?”

I nodded. Yes, I can hear you… but I don’t understand what you’re telling me. Levi what? Armin is still talking but I can’t hear him anymore. What should I do? I should have died in that alley. Why didn’t they let me die? Nobody wants me, not even scary people with big needles. I am not useful, I am a failure. I am sorry for being a failure, I didn’t want to disappoint you.

Little did I know that while I was stuck inside my mind, Levi had came back and told Armin to leave. Armin did say ‘goodnight’ and ‘I’ll see you soon, Eren’ but all I heard was the sound of the voices in my head: “failure”, “disappointment”, “waste of time and money”, “unuseful”.

“Listen when I talk to you brat!” Levi’s voice rang somewhere in my head. But I am listening. “Get your ass inside the apartment already.” Ah! You should be able to do that Eren, you know, steps. One foot in front of the other and… no, not like that. “Watch out idiot, you’re going to knock your head on the floor if you keep on tripping like that. I’m not cleaning your blood just so you know.” Well, way to go Eren, you fell. You failed again. Way to go.

What is even going on around me? Where am I?

I’ve had my eyes open this whole time, but I am finally ‘seeing’ through them properly: the apartment. I was inside! And next to the kitchen counter was… Levi with his arms crossed over his black T-shirt. He didn’t seem very happy, but when does he really. He was saying something but I couldn’t hear. All I knew is that they didn’t throw me away, maybe they still saw some use in me.

“I’m sorry…” I muttered under my breath, my view getting foggy. “I will do anything so please, please don’t throw me away.”

“What?” Levi widened his eyes significantly.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing more apologies while tears rolled on my cheeks. I apologized for being unuseful, I apologized for crying, I pleaded him to not throw me away, I promised to be useful for something, anything. The more I talked, the more Levi’s eyes seem to widen - but at this point it may have been an optical illusion since they couldn’t get bigger than that.

“W-what are you talking about brat?” he confusedly asked, “throw you away, wh-” he seemed to have come to a realization as he stopped asking question and stepped forward to me.

I was still in front of the wide open main door, sobbing pitifully. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and with his other hand, closed the door shut. He pushed my head down so it rests on his shoulder - I was slightly taller than him - and with his other hand he searched for his phone in his pocket. He dialed a number and set the phone on his ear while his other hand soothingly threaded through my hair.

“Hange…” he began with calm and yet cold voice, “I think I know why we didn’t find a discharge notice… I don’t want to discuss about this over the phone… I’ll tell you about it later just, bring your ass back right at this moment. Like fuck I care about your experiments, those rats need a break too. Hange, NOW!”

The sudden raise in his voice scared me, and I tried to get away from his hold but the hand that was threading through my hair began to pat it instead. He didn’t say anything, he just patted my head and brought his now free hand along my back while I was sobbing pathetically.

“I’m… sorry” I managed in between sobs.

“Eren, just… stop apologizing. It’s fucking annoying.” He sighed.

I whimpered a little at that but I expected myself to be annoying. I pushed myself away from him, sniffled and apologized again before going straight to the room where the bed I slept on was. They were not mine, I can’t say _**my**_ room and **_my_** bed because I had nothing. I was just me, my pitiful self and I. What a loser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? Reviews are always appreciated.  
> Self-loathing Eren is back. I really just wanted to show some 104th dynamic here guys. Hopefully you liked it. It is going to advance with the plot now and we'll get to somehow know Eren's backstory soon. Not in full but the important stuff will be there, almost. I tried to make the transition between happy and sad as... natural? as possible but Eren's psyche wouldn't allow it. He is very fragile and doesn't really trust anyone yet, yet. It'll come.
> 
> I would also like to rise your attention to the "slow built" tag just in case. Because the Ereri will take some time to come but it'll come. We all have to be patient.
> 
> And omg! This fic has 200+ kudos???? How??? More importantly, why??  
> You guys are awesome <3 Love you all!!!!


	12. chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to be left for dead… again  
> Not again.  
> Not again.  
> Not again.

I’m scared. No scratch that, I’m terrified. I haven’t talk to Levi since that time he told me I was annoying. How I managed to not talk with him despite sharing a room with him was what scared me the most. I kept silent for the past week now, making as minimal noise as I could and making myself as scarce as possible so as to not bother them.  I even asked Armin to only come when they were all out so as to not bother them. But Levi seemed to grow more and more frustrated with me. He would sigh a lot around me as well as click his tongue repeatedly. I can feel the disappointment oozing from him whenever we are in the same room, which is pretty often. He would stare at me often but won’t say a word and that scares me even more than his harsh words.

It scared me, it scared me that they would throw me out because of a mistake I made. It scared me that they would abandon me because of how annoying I am or how troublesome I am to them. It scared me. I scared me so much.

“Eren, you’ve been awfully quiet lately. Did something happen after that day?” Armin asked me, his blue eyes filled with worry. That’s Armin for you: smart and observant, always able to pick up the mood and pinpoint its origins.

I weakly shook my head as I replied, “everything is OK.” A lie, an obvious one at that. My facial expression coupled with Armin’s perceptivity must have guided him toward knowing that I was lying. Armin wrinkles his nose and eyed me suspiciously but quickly focused back on the book in front of him, an encyclopedia book about the sea. He let out a barely audible sigh and proceeded on teaching me how to read and write. A barely audible sigh, so quiet one would wonder whether the blond teen really sighed on the first place. But to me, it was loudest sound in the house.

_**I’m scared. Scared that Armin would hate me and abandon me because I lied. But he doesn’t want to hear my apologies either, does he?** _

_**I’m terrified.** _

Armin does like nothing happened and carried on teaching me patiently.

**_I’m afraid._ **

My heart rate picked up and my hand got sweaty, making it hard for me to hold my pen.

**_He’s going to hate me._ **

But I hold my grip on the pen and forced my wrist to write the word Armin was pointing at. “Whale” he said as I connected the sound with the letters and the picture of the animal on the encyclopedia.

**_He’s going to abandon me._ **

Why was writing so difficult? Was the human hand even designed to make those weird movements and form letters than then formed words and then evolved into sentences? Why was my hand so stiff and sweaty?

**_He’s going to leave me._ **

I frustratedly put the pen back down and tugged on my hair in rage of my incapacity. Why was writing so hard? Who could have thought that writing was so difficult?

**_I’m going to be all alone again._ **

Armin kept encouraging me, reminding me that it was hard at first but that I’ll eventually get used to it. But Armin, I couldn’t do it. No matter how hard I try, I couldn’t do it.

**_I’ll be all alone in that dark room again._ **

I can’t do it, I can’t do it.

“I can’t do it,” I whispered to myself. The words hurted more once out than they did when I was only thinking them. Voicing them made them so much more true than when they were just a product of my weakened mind. Even so, I continued on whispering the words, again and again. It was strange but the internal pain caused by the voicing of the words gave me some comfort. “I can’t do it, I can’t do it.”

All alone, in that dark room… again.

“Of course you can do it Eren,” came Armin’s soft voice from next to me. He sounded so gentle, so kind and caring that I wanted to believe his words. Like the sweet embrace of a mother during a thunderstorm. “Give yourself some time. It is always difficult at first.” Is it? “Learn at your own pace.” Can I? But what if I can’t learn? What if I’m a lost cause? What if you’re wasting your time with me Armin?

**_I’m going to be left for dead… again_ **

**_Not again._ **

**_Not again._ **

**_Not again._ **

“Not again” I voiced quietly at first, but my voice gradually grew louder as I repeated over and over again until I was screaming. “Not again!!!” I covered my ears, not that I didn’t want to hear Armin since I couldn’t hear him over my thoughts already, but because I wanted to block the world. I was hysterical and I could tell that Armin didn’t know how to deal with me. The poor boy looked around for help but quickly remembered that we were the only ones in the house. His hands awkwardly hung in the air, at a loss of where to put them while he tried his best to calm me down with as much calmness as he could muster at the moment. Armin is truly admirable. I guess after much debate, my friend - wait, can I even call him that? Is this what being friends was? I really hoped so - put his warm and slightly sweaty hands on my forearms and did his best to pry my hands away from my ears while repeating “calm down Eren, there’s nothing scary” in a motherly tone. His warm touch brought a strange sense of calmness inside of me and my screaming faded slowly as Armin repeated the same words patiently, calmly, over and over again. "It's not going to happen again. You're fine Eren."

As my hands were being gently put back on the kitchen table, I found the courage to open my eyes slowly. I looked intently at his hands on my forearm - like if they were holding the secrets of my inner turmoil -, gentle enough to calm me down but strong enough to hold them where they were. We were both pretty pale, and thought it was odd... but why? Somewhere in my deep memory, or was it the dream? I recall my skin complexion being on the darker tan side. But maybe it was just that: a dream, and I was mixing dream and reality together.

After a few minutes to regain my composure and recover from screaming like a child putting a tantrum, I found the courage to face Armin. His face was a mix of confusion and concern but no rejection.

“Eren…” he repeated with a hesitant smile on his face when we made eye contact. “We can…” he began, stopped then looked around before looking back at me, “play games if you want. I brought my game console with me.”

I still had fear of abandonment in my heart, but I found in me the energy to weakly smile at him and nod.

I couldn’t go on like this, I didn’t want to go on like this, I wanted to be strong… maybe I can be strong? Maybe if I had someone like Armin by my side? He seemed to really care about me. Maybe he won’t go, maybe he won’t leave me alone, maybe… just maybe… I don’t have to go back to that dark room anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys. I'm back from the dead! You thought you were done with this fic, right? Yeah... me too. But I got a very lovely message saying that they loved this fic and I just couldn't abandon them. So, here we are, a new chapter.  
> I really do appreciate your comments and they ARE my fuel for writing more and thinking about how this story is gonna go. I also noted (to my pleasure) that this story has a lot of kudos. It may be small for some people but I never expected this to be that well liked. I really really appareciate you guys for that.  
> I changed a few things in the story, and I think my writing is going to change the more I write as well but bear with me. But please, leave comments and tell me where you want the story to go or do you think the story is gonna go, what you want to see, what you liked, what you disliked. This is growing experience for me and it'll be great if we all enjoyed it.  
> Thank you and sorry for the long end note!  
> See you guys in the next chapter!!!!


	13. chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi and Eren finally talk to one another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My stories are un-betaed and... well... I'm a sucker for proofreading (I gave up halfway, shame on me)

Levi POV

 

The atmosphere between Eren and me has been tense in the past few weeks, I noticed that he has been doing his best to not be in the same room as me, or tense up and not utter a word the moment I enter the room. The rare moments he talked, his words sounded like a whisper and he avoided making eye contact with me as if  afraid that if he so much as talked too loudly, all hell would break loose. I knew from the beginning that he was not very comfortable around us, probably due to the fact that we were strangers, or maybe even the nature of why he was abandoned half dead in a back alley; but as he seemed to grow on trusting Armin, Hange and Erwin, the gap between him and me was only broadening. I tried to think about what I did or said that may have contributed to the increasing distance between once and only one instance came to mind, that time when Armin called me home to a crying Eren, hanging unto me like a lifeline and apologizing over and over again. I remembered telling him to stop apologizing since I couldn’t think of a reason why he would have to apologize. But knowing my social skills, I may have said it in a manner that could be seen as either rude or aggressive by the common people. Had it been Hange, Erwin, or even Mikasa, they would have understood as “stop apologizing, it is not your fault, there is nothing for you to apologize for.” Unfortunately, Eren is not one of these people. Eren was psychologically fragile compared to them. He was a lost kid without any clutch to this world, afraid at every turn of an unknown threat to jump at him. I also noticed how he was constantly anxious that we would abandon him somewhere, probably a trauma from whoever left him in that back alley.  

 

“You’ve been sighing for a while now buddy, wassup?” Hange appeared behind me with his chirpy voice. He was wearing a t-shirt with the words “Titans are the best” and a white lab coat over it. I, on the other hand, still in my pyjamas. I woke up just an hour before and went to the kitchen to get my usual morning coffee, happy that my shift didn’t begin until the afternoon. I turned my body to face him before sighing again.

“I think Eren hates me.”

“Awww, don’t say that. Why do you think so?”

I explained to him what I’ve been observing lately on Eren’s behavior toward me and the tension I felt between us. Hange just shook his head while trying to hide a chuckle.

“Oh boy. You smooth talker you. You really have your way with words. A true Casanova.”

“Have you been listening to a word I said Hange?” I insisted irritatedly. I knew that he was being sarcastic but it was not appreciated at the moment. I was in a serious dead end and I really needed his help, not his unwanted sass.

“And that is called sarcasm asshole, I recall you being well versed in the art of flesh tearing” he teased, which earned him a murderous look from me.

“Well, if you know the origin of it why don’t you just talk to him and explain what you were really wanting to say?”

Hange made it all so simple. Right, why didn’t I just talk to him and dissipate the fog of misunderstanding that raised between us? Because of the same reason this whole misunderstanding was born, I have no people skills.

“I know, I know what you’re thinking. You communication skills are… a nightmare. Buuuuuuut the situation will only get worse that is already is if you just let it be. You know, like that french saying “ça va aller de mal en pis””

I sighed even louder. He was right, of course he was right, Hange was right about 90% of the time. Leaving the situation as it was would just make everything worse. Hell, it was already bad after a few weeks of letting it figure itself out.

 

-x-

 

My plan was flawless. With us sharing a room together, getting him to be alone with me was a piece of cake. The hardest part was how to address him. I didn’t want to make him scared of me more than he already was. If he were to recoil into himself any further, chances are that this relationship couldn’t be saved anymore. I wanted him to be able to rely on me in the future. I needed to mend this relationship while I was ahead. I had to be subtle in my approach and it hurt me physically to approach none other than Mr. Erwin Smith in the morning to ask guidance on the art of subtlety from him.

Upon hearing my request, the unnecessarily tall blond guy laughed at me as if I told him the funniest shit joke I could muster.

“Oh Levi, you really know how to lift my mood up in the morning.” He said as he got rid of the tears rimming his eyes for laughing too hard.

“Whatever, eyebrows, give me a hint here.” I fumed.

“Ok, ok.” Erwin cleared his throat and regained his composure.

It always baffled me how Erwin can go from total dork to business casual in just a few milliseconds. He was a leader to the bone, able to rally people to his cause thanks to his charisma but also his ability to keep his emotions in check. He was the type of person to put the masses’ bien-être above himself and above the well being of a  few people; he always looked at the big picture. I thought he was someone who cared too much about others and was too passionate. When I breached the discussion with him, Erwin told me that I was the one who lacked passion. He was right.

“So if I understand the situation well, the tension that I have been feeling lately was not just a product of my imagination.It was born from you being careless with your words, may I say, as usual.” he smiled at me, visibly anticipating something like this to happen sooner or later. “When you talk to him try to avoid words like annoying or bother.” He said as he nodded to emphasize his point.  

“I suspected he felt like he was a bother to us since humans tend to feel like they need to reciprocate fairness and he feels like he is not able to give back to us, making him feel like he is useless. That is of course not the case and he should be focusing on being a kid without having to give back, but I’m sure he can’t help but feel like a bother. And then, you go ahead and tell him that he is annoying. Of course he would feel bad and try to make himself scarce around you.” He pointed out severely.

But then he smiled back at me again, “say something in the lines of “I didn’t mean it like that, I made the wrong choice of words.” Make him understand that that’s your usual speech pattern and to not take it the way he did. Let him understand what you really meant. Just explain the situation to him.”

 

I more or less understood what I should do, I just needed to be careful with my words and explain the situation to Eren. Eren was a bright person, maybe a little quick to jump the gun, but he understood things quickly so long as someone takes the time to explain it to him.

“Got it.” I nodded.

Erwin smiled at me and grabbed his jacket. Erwin was all ready to go to his internship already, white dress shirt neatly out and blue tie on. He looked like a respectable lawyer in his attire and the dark blue suit jacket made him look sharp and respectable.

“You’ll be fine. What can he do to you? Speaking of which, where is he?”

“I believe he is still asleep.” Hange answered. “I kept him up late last night watching my favorite TV show…”

“About fucking ants.” I finished, “poor kid came back to the room looking like a zombie. I’m pretty sure he’s traumatized with ants now.”

Hange laughed hysterically as he grabbed his backpack and left the house, all the while I was stabbing him mentally with my glare. Erwin followed after him, once again, reassuring me that I would be ok.

The door closed behind them and I went back to my room to get ready. Eren was barely awake, stretching on the bed with his messily tousled head and yawning. The poor kid had bruises on his eyes, and his clothes were all over the place from all the toss and turning he probably did while asleep. He was still groggy and looked like about to fall back asleep anytime, but stiffened the moment he noticed me entering the room and shyly nodded his head as a morning greeting, not uttering a single word and keeping his head low. I would lie if I said that it didn’t pain me to think that he felt like he was bothering me by his presence alone. I kept the sigh that threatened to come out in, and opened the dresser.

“How was your night?” I asked him awkwardly. I was not one for small talk but I figured I had begin the talk somewhere and prepare the grounds for tonight’s talk.

Eren hesitantly sat on the bed and looked at me, more awake than ever. He shrinked unto himself as he opened his mouth

“G-good”

His voice was so weak, almost inaudible. I kept myself from asking him to talk louder and hummed instead.

“Had any ant dreams?” I chuckled.

Eren gasped and hugged himself tighter. Damn, wrong move. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort. Mission.

I cleared my throat before changing the subject. “What are you planning on doing today? Is Arlert coming?”

As if surprised about the turn of the conversation, Eren finally turned to face his body to me and nodded. A small smile began to form and he was about to say something but kept silent at the last minute. This was going good though, I was pretty proud of myself for making him open up to me. He didn’t talk much, yet his body movement shows that he was at least beginning to be slightly comfortable with me.

“Maybe you should teach me German as well. Arlert seems to be pretty fluent by now. You must be a good teacher” I said as I put my uniform on.

Eren, once again, looked surprised at my effort to communicate. He had a hopeful look on his face and a smile began to form, he was also visibly less tense than before.

“He learns fast,” he began slowly. “And is very passionate about the language and the country.”

“Is… Is Levi also interested in the language?”

“No.” Came my blunt answer. I cursed myself after that but I was not one for lying. My answer closed Eren up again so I had to find a way to keep the discussion open.

“But it’s always good to know more languages. I need to take advantage of my resources right?”

Eren looked at me shyly and smiled.

“You’re a native speaker?” I continued.

Eren bit his lower lip and looked to the side, trying to find the correct answer to that. Or was he racking his brain to remember? After a while, he shook his head and weakly answered.

“S… ah, I… don’t… know…” he mumbled.

He still didn’t face me. Eren looked conflicted about it. He either really didn’t remember or didn’t want to tell me. Either way I left it at that, not wanting to pry and maybe make a misstep, again. So I shook my head and told him it was okay before announcing that I needed to go to work. Eren stood up from the bed and escorted me to our room’s door. He awkwardly stood there, seemingly not knowing what to do with himself then quickly shouted a “have a good day” before I closed the main door,  to which was able to reply with a quick “thanks”. Once the door closed, I took a deep breath and left for work. I think that worked better than I expected. All I needed to do now is to talk to him about the misunderstanding tonight.

 

Eren POV

Levi talking to me came as a surprise. I tried to erase my presence as much as I could for the past few weeks so as to not bother him. When he asked me if I had slept well, I was so scared of giving him the wrong answer (not that there was one). To not annoy him (as he may have just asked out of courtesy) I responded by the positive even though I had one of the worst night I’ve ever had in a while. I dreamt of ants crawling up and down on me. My arms were still slightly red from me scratching at them in my sleep. Never again will I agree to watch Discovery Channel with Hange before going to bed. I didn’t expect from him to look more into it after he hummed.

“Had any ant dreams?” he said with a chuckle.

Ugh, ants. Just the word itself made me want to crawl into mud so at to relieve the itching on my skin. I hugged myself, closed my eyes and counted until ten so I could calm down and no begin to scratch at my arm again. What an awful dream that was. Before I could say anything, I heard Levi clear his throat and ask me how I’m going to spend my day and whether Armin was going to come or not. It would be an understatement to say that it surprised me that he asked. I didn’t expect him to talk to me on the first place, any less trying to keep the discussion up.

I may be scared of him but I knew that Levi was not the type of person to do small talk. I sat on the bed and turned to look at him, yes, he looked awkward and out of his element. And for some reason, it calmed me down to think that I may not be bothering him as much anymore. I nodded to answer his question, then I remembered what Mikasa told me time and time again: use words. I open my mouth but I stopped myself before saying anything. The gap between my nod and my verbal answer would be awkward wouldn’t it? I didn’t want it to sound forced, like out of duty since the atmosphere between us seemed to finally relax slightly. So I kept my breath and closed my mouth. _Next time Eren, next time._

Despite that, Levi looked pleased with himself and kept talking about learning German and how Armin seemed to learn so fast. He even praised me. I felt a hint of happiness bubble from the inside and a smile began to itch at the corner of my lips.

“He learns fast, and is very passionate about the language and the country.”

I was pretty proud of myself, that was one of the longest sentences I’ve ever formed in front of Levi since… since… since I could remember. Was I always this talkative? But instead of being scared of annoying him, I felt like I achieved something big. So I pushed my luck and asked him if he was interested in learning, no matter how stupid of a question that sounded like.

“No.”

His blunt answer shut me up. I was not offended, probably a bit scared, definitely startled yet also amused in the inside. I was not brave enough yet to openly show to him that his answer amused me so I held my breath.

“But it’s always good to know more language. I need to take advantage of my surroundings right?”

I felt happy hearing that. Does he mean that I can be helpful to him too? _If I can help you with anything, since I can’t offer more, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll be more than eager to help._

I wanted to voice all that, I really did but for some reasons my throat just stopped working maybe because I was not used to talk much?

I shyly smiled at him to convey my gratitude. And that encouraged him to keep the conversation up.

“Are you a native speaker?”

I didn’t expect that question. Truthfully, I didn’t know. I know I knew English as well but that was because even inside my dark little four walled space in wherever I was, I could sometimes hear people talk in this language in the outside. They were bits and pieces of conversations but I’ve heard them before, somewhere as well. That helped me reinforce a few vocabularies and words I already knew. I also knew German from the get go. It was like innate. I thought in German, and spoke in German. That woman in my dreams spoke German to me as well. But was I a native speaker or was German just a fluent second language before I was brought to my little dark and cold four walled space? Because I think in English now, and it is easier for me now to speak in the language albeit with a slight accent.

“S…” - _Sorry? No, no, don’t annoy him, don’t push your luck Eren._ -“Ah… I… don’t… know…” I caught myself.

Levi just looked at me and I couldn't look at his eyes, too afraid to see disappointment in my answer in them. For lack of better thing to do I looked at him, he didn’t express any annoyance and looked patient. That helped me relax further and the silent stretched until he announced that he needed to go to work. I hurriedly went out of bed and followed him until the threshold of his room. I gripped at the side of the door and looked at him taking his key on the key holder next to the main door. I managed the say a “have a good day” clear and loud to him and was  more than pleased to hear his “thanks.” He reciprocated my words. Maybe my efforts on not annoying him anymore worked and I was now a little bit tolerable to him. I was just happy to feel some of the tension lessen, but was conflicted on how I should face him when he will be back home. I should maybe ask Armin and get some tips in the matter, he always had answers for everything.

 

Levi POV

A long sigh escaped from my parted lips as I collapsed onto my bed. Work couldn’t be more tiring than today. Patrolling is not too bad unless douchebag people speed up right and left. My partner just laughed at how frustrated I was every time I caught someone speeding. I was so tense by the end of the third person speeding that my partner told me to take it easy and to just let them go. But I can’t ignore people who defile the law like that. I sighed once more and turned around to see Eren who was sitting on his bed facing me, his head titled to the side. He was probably curious about why I looked so exhausted and so done with life. He hesitated to ask, probably confused on how to react after this morning. I still needed to clear the misunderstanding around us but I was still too tired to deal with it right now although now was probably the best time to talk it out considering that Hange and Erwin were still out. I also wanted to be done with it already. I sighed once more just for the sake of it before sitting back on the bed and stretching. Eren looked out of place on his bed, he was fidgety and played with the hem of his shirt.

“H-how was your d-day?” he asked quietly.

He looked like he was still cautious around me. He probably mustered all the courage he could to talk to me.

“Very tiring.” I popped my neck a few times and rolled my shoulders to chase the tiredness out of them. “How was yours?”

Since Eren seemed hesitant to begin a discussion I decided to let him know that I am open to talk with him. He hesitated briefly then a smile appeared on his face, breaking all the tension built up between us for weeks now.

“It was good.”

“Yeah? What did you do?”

He looked to the side, lost in his thoughts, trying to regroup his thoughts then he looked back at me.

“A-Armin came and we… we learned German. Then he taught me how to read."

"Wait, you don't know how to read?"

This was new information to me, but I guess it made sense. The truth was that I left a note for Eren that day he panicked and thought we abandoned him. I slapped myself mentally for not coming to that conclusion earlier; Eren could barely talk English when we found him, what in my mind told me that he was able to read and write?

On top of that, my question came as scolding to Eren who shrank back unto himself, once again scared to speak with me thinking that he is annoying me or that I am disappointed in him in any way. No Eren, I am not disappointed in you, far from that. A part for me actually admires how well he grows everyday, slowly learning how to readjust with society and exploring new experiences beyond the comfort of the walls of their apartment. It must have taken a lot of courage.

"Sorry, I didn't know" I said softly after a few minutes of awkward silence between us. "I understand now why you panicked that day. I should have asked you."

I thought it important to let him know that I wasn't mad at him so much as I'm surprised by the new information.

"It's admirable that you're going out of your way and asked Armin to teach you thought."

Eren's shoulder relaxed at that and he raised his head once again, opening himself to me once more. I could tell that he didn't expect for me to apologize, and even to compliment him as he looked at me shyly, biting his lower lip with a small smile dancing on his lips. I would lie if I said that I didn't find him cute and that seeing him smile didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

NOw that I thought about it, I mentioned that day in our conversation. This was the perfect time to clear the misunderstanding between us.

"I also wanted to apologize for my harsh words from that day. I recall saying something in the lines of stop apologizing and it's annoying. Right?"

Eren nodded, pain visible in his eyes from remembering it.

"What I meant was that you had nothing to apologize for. You kept saying sorry and I was annoyed but not by you but by the fact that you... (I sighed) You kept saying sorry for things you shouldn't be apologizing for."

At this point, I knew that I needed to open myself to Eren if I wanted him to trust me in any way. I was not the type of person to spill his heart to anyone, and it was hard for me to trust others and be bare in front of them. Mikasa's mother used to remind me that in other to be trusted, a person needed to open himself to the other and vice versa. But that was too scary of a thought and I have been betrayed more than once in life to know that when you open yourself to someone, you are also making yourself vulnerable to them. I guess that's the whole beauty in trust, the fact that despite being able to hurt and destroy you, they don't. Needless to say I can count on my right hand how many people got the award of trustee. Truth is I am scared of being hurt, but doesn't that just make me human.

And here was Eren, a young boy who also was scared to trust others but who is vulnerable either way. Despite my thoughts screaming against it, my instinct tell me that Eren would not betray me. Maybe it was because he too was craving for trust, because he too wanted a person to protect him or because of those eyes that scream innocence even if he were to commit murder. I really didn't know. All I knew was that I not only admitted my mistake but also exposed my personality to him in one discussion.

"You see Eren, I am not very good with words and I speak roughly all the time. It may take you time to get used to it but there is one thing that you should never doubt." I grabbed his shoulder, a little too roughly, and looked at him in the eyes, eyes that expressed both surprise, apprehension and focus. "I would never abandon you. I don't fucking know what happened before and why we found you in an alley. I won't force you to tell me either, but regardless, I would not abandon you. Same for Hange and Erwin. Never doubt that. Whatever people say or whatever your thoughts say, you are a friend of ours now and we don't abandon friends..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting there for months (I wrote it back in May, finished it back in June and proofread it two weeks ago).  
> Eren and Levi talk to one another finally. I'm planning on a few timeskips, so expect the story to move on quite fast from the next chapter on! And SORRY FOR THE WAIT!!! (SUPER DOGEZA)


	14. Notes

Hello reader!

First of all, I would like to thank you for reading and liking this fanfiction. It always brightens my day whenever I see a notification saying that I got a kudo or a a new comment.   
I would like to inform you that no, I am not discontinuing this story (phew). After receiving so many comments of lovely readers that loved the story and that wanted me to continue it, I just can't do that to you. I have to admit that I am stuck however for various reasons.   
But I am going to keep this short and spare you the details. I am updating to ask your insight on the story. Yes, you heard that right. I want to rewrite a few details from the previous chapters before going forward with the story and I would like for you to tell me a few things.  
1\. What is your favorite scene in the story, and is there something more you wished would have happened?  
2\. What is your least favorite scene?  
3\. Okay, this really concerns me: do you like the fact that there are two Hanji in the story? They are basically the same person but in two bodies and I would like your honest opinion about it.   
4\. What do you think about my character depiction. 

Alright. Oh, oops. I only had two points in my mind but I guess it is four points now. You don't have to answer to each question so don't feel pressured. 

That is all for now. Do know that I read your comments :) And thank you so much!

ginnoryuu131.

**Author's Note:**

> Make sure to check the tags so you won't be surprised later. Notabily the mpreg part, if it isn't your cup of tea.  
> [tumblr](http://ginnoryuu308.tumblr.com/)


End file.
